Should a long-distance relationship discourage you? (Jenn’s take)

Similarly to Sean, I’ve been in two long-distance relationships: one ended well, and the other…did not.

I guess the best advice I have to offer is to challenge you to ask yourself why you’d want to go through that. As my relationship with Sean demonstrates, it’s possible to date long distance and have it work out. But it’s hard work, requires (in my opinion) much more commitment and effort on both people than regular dating, and has its own unique set of difficulties – in addition to the regular ones that come from starting a new relationship.

So, WHY would you want to do that?

If your answer is somewhere in the ballpark of, “Because I think he/she might be someone I could marry,” and both of you have discussed this and are willing to put forth the extra effort, then go for it! If it’s something more along the lines of, “Because we’ve been dating so long, so why not?” – I would encourage you to seriously reconsider.

I think it’s easiest to date long-distance when there’s some sort of timeline in place. For example, when Sean and I met, he was going off to school in South Carolina, and I was about to start my senior year in college. There were holiday breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer) that we knew he’d be home to visit during, we planned trips in the interim periods so we got to spend some time together, and I was anticipating graduating in August of 2006…so, in theory, I’d be available to move closer to him, should we decide to go that route, in about a year. If there was an undetermined amount of time that we were going to be apart, it would have made it SO much harder for the both of us…but we made our relationship a priority, and worked hard to keep it going.

I think one thing that helped me was familiarity with Sean’s surroundings. Since I had attended the same school he did, I could imagine where he was, or which professor he was talking about – things like that. Whereas, had he been somewhere completely unfamiliar to me, I would have felt more isolated from him.

As he mentioned, one of the hardest things for both of us (particularly me, I think) was knowing that there were other girls around him when I couldn’t be. This isn’t even to say that I thought he’d cheat on me, or leave me for another girl, but just knowing that they get to share in your boyfriend’s life while you’re 1200 miles away is really hard. Little things like eating lunch together, studying, shopping, whatever…it’s hard to know you’re missing out on those little things with someone you care about and, even worse, that someone else is getting to spend that time with them. At least, it was hard for me.

I think, if you’re seriously considering dating long-distance, that it’s crucial to reassess the relationship frequently. Make sure that, if either you or your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks they might not want to date anymore, that it’s brought up right away. You have to be honest, and deal with issues as they come.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Q & A

These are raw answers to questions received live via text message.

(1) What about Ghandi's passive approach? He won the war.

(2) How do you put these things into practice in your own life?

(3) Where is the line when it comes to being passive or being a total testosterone-fueled jerk? How might one keep from being a jerk while still being assertive?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Act Like a Man

Last nights video

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Since we all sin and no one is perfect, how are you supposed to tell if someone has these qualities?

The goal isn't to find the perfect man or woman. If that's what you want...It's not gonna happen. Passages like Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 shouldn't be seen as a checklist for prospective dates. They shouldn't be seen as a goal to work towards.

When looking for "the one," you want to find someone who is actively seeking to grow closer to God in these areas (Girls - Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 - Guys - Titus 2). No one has all of the qualities perfectly manifested (well except Jesus).

Ask These Questions

(1) Which areas are they the weakest?
(2) What are they doing about it?

If someone is completely ignoring character weaknesses, they aren't pursing Christ. If they aren't pursing Christ, they aren't someone you want to be dating.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Vision of Men - MS Edition

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What About Stay at Home Dads?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part III - The Story of Sean and Jennifer Chandler

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Sean and Jennifer Chandler.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Chandler's Story

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part II - The Story of Shawn and Krista Hammer

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Shawn and Krista Hammer.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Hammers' Story

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part I- The Story of Brent and Carrie Hagen

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Brent and Carrie Hagen.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Hagens' Story

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Should Women Pursue Men?

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If you struggle with an addiction but are fighting it, are you a hypocrite when you try and share your faith?

*Disclaimer*
I'm answering this question assuming that the person asking the question is referring to an addiction to specific sin, and my answer is in regards to that specific kind of addiction.


Short answer, it depends on your definition of hypocrite.

Webster's Dictionary defines hypocrite two different ways.

Hypocrite:

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

All Bible-believing Christians are hypocrites according to the second definition. Central to Christianity is our inability to live up to God's standards. We're all sinners with sinful hearts. We're all in need of the grace and forgiveness which Christ offers.

So, according to this definition, you most certainly are a hypocrite, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means we have standards. As long as you're a humble and understand you're no better than anyone else in your flesh, this kind of hypocrisy is ok.

The bad kind of hypocrite is the one who puts on a false appearance of virtue. Those are self-righteous people who claim to be better than everyone else. The Pharisees were the bad kind of hypocrite. They were only concerned with following external rules which they'd created. They overlooked some of the most basic texts on the condition of man.

Jeremiah 17:9
9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

You don't want to be the self-righteous hypocrite who lacks humility. You want to be the humble hypocrite with a heart for the lost.

The important issue is whether you're actually fighting your struggle. Showing up at a keggar and preaching of the evils of alcohol with a beer in hand, doesn't seem like an authentic struggle. If you struggle with porn, passing out tracts inside a XXX movie theater doesn't come off like a person fighting a struggle.

If you're truly fighting your struggle, that means you acknowledge it's a sin and you're not perfect. That in and of itself indicates that you're probably the good kind of hypocrite. It's people who don't acknowledge or fight their sin who are the bad kinds of hypocrite.

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What do you do when you follow all these rules and the relationship still fails? (Jenn's take)

I think I would say that the greatest benefit to following the rules isn't even specifically finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, but knowing that you treated everyone you had a relationship with in a God honoring manner. You know what I'm saying?

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When Does Temptation Become Sin?

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What should my future boyfriend/girlfriend look like financially?

Here's the bottom line:

It's not about an amount
It's about an attitude

Titus 2
4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure...

Scripture teaches that we're to live controlled lives. We're not to live reckless, indulgent lives. So the issue is not any specific dollar amount. The issue is how the person approaches funds.

Our society is totally and unashamedly in love with instant gratification. Whatever we want, we want it now. This is entirely contrary to Jesus' example. You can find many rich people with no debt but an entirely worldly view of money and spending. On the other hand, you have people with huge amounts of debt with very frugal spending habits.

You also must consider what kind of debt the person has. College loans are a future investment. A house loan represents something which can increase in value. However, credit card debt represents spending money you simply don't have.

Here are some questions to ask:

Are they spending more than they're making?
Are you they living selfishly?
Are they living a controlled, moderate life?
Are they making wise or foolish decisions when it comes to money?

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What if the girl you like used to be a "slut," but she claims she's changed and is an avid Christian? Do you look at the past?

We serve a God of redemption. The last thing you want to do with a Christian girl with remarkable story of life-change is hold her past against her. Her sins were nailed to the cross of Christ. She is wrapped in the righteousness of Christ and indwelled by the Holy Spirit. Her sin was paid for by Christ. If we continue to persecute her for her sin, then we insult Christ's sacrifice on the cross by suggesting it wasn't enough to forgive her sin.

Romans 5
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

2nd Corinthians 5
21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Be Careful

With that stated, lots of people "go to church" and claim to be a "Christian." Christianity and church attendance are part of American culture. For that matter, a lot of churches are more like self-help seminars than places of worship and community.

In Jesus' parable of the sower (Matthew 13), we're warned about people who hear the gospel, respond to the gospel, but who have no roots and quickly fall away. I don't want to get into a theological debate about which of the groups were truly saved. The important detail is that many people will appear to grow quickly, but they will fall away quickly.

Wait Until Her Character Has Grown Into a Reputation of Integrity

For this reason, it's important that you wait until her character grows into reputation of integrity. People can change their behavior temporarily, but only Christ can truly change someone on the inside. True life change will eventually turn into a reputation.

Be patient. There's no reason to rush into a relationship. More importantly, if she used to be a "slut," then she's got a lot of baggage and issues to work through. The last thing she needs is to be in a relationship. Let her grow in her relationship with Christ. If she's still growing strong after a year, go for it. Often times the people with the roughest past will be the most passionate about Christ because they don't take sin for granted.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 5 - She's the One Part II

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Q & A - Session 5

This week's questions:

(1) What is wrong with braided hair?

(2) Say you have a chick dat be all up on your jock but goes to church; how do you know God didn't put her in your life?

(3) What does a boyfriend/girlfriend need to look like financially?

(4) Are you supposed to find a future girlfriend attractive? What if you don't find her sexually attractive?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 2 - Who Can I Date?

Far too many people have absolutely no standards when it comes to who they'll date. It appears the only requirement is opportunity. This lesson examines several biblical principles on who you should date.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 2 - Who Can I Date?

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How to Stay Pure in a Relationship? - Bubble Suit

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Text Questions

It has occurred to me that some people reading this blog might not know why I'm addressing the topics I'm addressing.

The answer is simple: I'm answering questions which where text messaged to my wife while I was preaching. After preaching she comes up and we answer questions. Then, as my time permits, I write a more through answer and post it on here. Any post which has "text question" as a tag is a question which someone asked by text message.

If I get brave I might post my wife's cell phone number on here and open this up to more people.

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If I am too Young for Marriage is it Wrong to Date?

This is a question Mark Driscoll was texted, and the video is his answer. Right now I don't agree with his answer, but he's older and wiser than me. So it would be foolish for me to ignore his answer. Likewise, it is good for you to hear the opinions and wisdom of a multitude of people.

I can be and often am WRONG. Listen to what he has to say.

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What if the chicks got a tat?

If you go to Biblegateway.com and do a search for "tattoo," one verse will come up.

Leviticus 19:28 "'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.

At first glance and without applying any exegetical (fancy Bible college word) skills, it appears the Bible condemns tattoos. However, with a little study it becomes clear something else is going on in this verse.

First off, the passage isn't condemning tattoos in general. It is condemning getting tattoos for the dead. This was a practice of the Cannaanites (neighbors of the nation of Israel). Our culture doesn't have any obvious parallels to this practice.

Second, if we look at the neighboring verses, it becomes difficult to take this verse at face value. Look at the verse before verse 28.

Leviticus 19:27 " 'Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.

We obviously don't follow this command. The reason is that it was given specifically to the nation of Israel. It was meant to make them look different from other nations. This is the same reason they were told not to get tattoos for the dead. They are not to look like their pagan and godless neighbors. These are not commands meant for us.

What if the chicks got a tat?

There is no biblical basis for saying that tattoos are sinful. Therefore, there's nothing inherently wrong with a girl having a tattoo.

In our culture today, tattoos aren't even all that edgy. Thirty years ago tattoos were something which only the rebels and perverts of society got. Today they're extremely common, and they've made the transition from counter-culture to mainstream culture. So many people have gotten them in an effort to stand out that they've become part of popular culture.

Still some still hold tattoos as inherently evil or an act of rebellion. This just isn't true anymore.

If a girl you meet has a tattoo, I would advise you evaluate her based off the principles in these sermons. If she's a godly girl, give her a shot. Don't write off a girl simply because she has a tattoo. That's unbiblical, shallow, and indicates a mind-set which is out of touch with where our culture is actually at.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 1 - Why Date?

In a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce and purity is considered being disease free, something has gone terrible wrong with our views on marriage, love, purity, masculinity, and femininity. Our education system will help you get in college, and college will train you to get a job. But who is training the next generation on how to be a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, and a man or woman of God? This is the introduction to a series which teaches teenagers that the time to prepare for a successful marriage is before you say, "I do."

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 1 - Why Date?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 4 - She's the One Part I

Our culture is pretty clear on what it thinks women should: hot, sexy, and ambitious. But what does a godly woman look like? What should young women strive to be? Well examine those questions in this two part study of Titus 2.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 4 - She's the One - Part 1

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Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 4

My talk ran so long last night that I ran out of tape on my camcorder and the Hard drive filled up on my back up camera.In fact the last minute of the video the audio changes because my primary audio recording device filled up.

So I was only able to record the first of the 5 or so questions which we answered. I'll be answering all of the questions in blog form this week.

This week's question:

For a girl to be sober-minded, does she needed to be able to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-breakup interactions?


Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 4

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What if you have a great guy you are dating and he still doesn’t feel like the one?

Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace answer the question, "What if you have a great guy you are dating and he still doesn’t feel like the one?"

Check out this video here (I'm not sure why it won't embed):

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/do-not-awaken-love/7pm-q-a


The clip starts at 4 minutes and 15 seconds.

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How do you know when the girl/boy you are dating is the one God has destined for you?

First off, I'll start off by saying that I do not believe that God has picked out one specific person you're supposed to find and marry. I don't see that idea in scripture, and I think it works in the practical sense.

If you think about it, if God has picked one person for you but he doesn't tell you explicitly who it is, then we're left to guess work to figure out the will of God. The idea that God has a specific desire for your life which isn't communicated to us, does not sit well with me, and I don't see it in scripture.

One of the dangers of putting too much emphasis on finding "the one" is that scripture doesn't put a big emphasis on finding "the one." Instead of seeing a bunch of passages about "oneness," I see a bunch of passages about masculinity, femininity, marriage, and pursing God. If that is the focus of scripture, that needs to be our focus.

Instead of looking for a magical person with a halo glowing over their head indicating their "oneness," look for someone who loves Jesus, shares your vision for life, who you get along with. That's it.


If you want to know what a godly man or woman looks like, read Titus 2.

Titus 2

1You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

6Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.


Second, don't focus on finding "the one," focus on being "the one." You can't control the people around you. You can't control who God will put in your life. But you can control your behavior. You can work on your character. You can devote yourself to pursing Christ.

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When Are You Ready to Propose?

You're ready to marry when you're ready to die protecting her.

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How long should you date before proposing?

There's no set amount of time you should date before proposing. Generally speaking, the younger you are, the longer I would encourage you to date before proposing (though there are certainly exceptions). The younger you are, the less stable your life is and typically you won't know as well the direction your life is headed.

Here are some principles to consider before proposing.


1) When You've Come to a Point Where You Know What Direction You Want to Take With Your Life

Marriage is hard no matter what, but it's much harder if you marry someone who's life is headed in a different direction than yours. If desire for your spouse to be a stay-at-home mom and she wants to be business executive, you're going to run into big problems when you have your first child.

Before proposing, both people need to have a good idea which direction they want to go with their life, AND you need to talk about it. Far too many people get married without talking about the future. This is a guaranteed way to run into severe marital problems.

When I started dating Jennifer, I knew very early on I was ready to get married. I called my sister to ask what questions I should ask Jennifer in preparation for marriage. I wanted to know if we had a future. So we had a many serious conversations about our goals, values, beliefs, and future early in our relationship. The first time Jennifer talked to my mother, my mother grilled Jennifer on whether she was ok with being a pastor's wife.

Jennifer and I still have our disagreements, but it's over things like cleaning. They're issues which can be resolved humbly serving one another.

2) When You're Financially Able to Support Your Family

1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Scripture has very harsh words for people who can't support their family. I understand there are exceptions where someone might need help, but assuming we aren't dealing with an exception, you need to be able to support your family. If you're going to need the support of family members to make it, you're not ready to get married. Likewise, if marriage will cause you to go severely in debt, it's not a good time to propose.

When Jennifer and I first got married, I was still in school and she was working full-time. While I might not have been the primary money provider, but we'd discussed
our financial situation before we got married. Also, the reason I wasn't providing wasn't that I was lazy.


3) When You're Mature Enough to Lead a Family

Ephesians 5
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Throughout scripture, men are called to lead. This isn't the most popular idea in our culture, but some of that is due to husbands not loving their wives like Christ loved the Church. Jesus was not a self-serving authoritarian leader. He loved His church enough to die to for it. If you're not at a point where you can be a servant leader of your family, you're not ready to propose.

4) When Those Over You in the Lord Tell You, "You're Ready"

As we said throughout this series, it's vital that you seek the wisdom of those over you in the Lord. You need wise council. If the people who love Jesus and know you the best don't think you're ready to be married, don't propose.

Before I proposed I scheduled a counseling session with Bo Thompson. I asked him this very question. I left myself open to the possibility of him saying I wasn't ready. You need to be open to the wisdom of those over you.

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What do you do when you follow all of these rules and the relationship still fails?

I see two different ways to interpret this question:

1) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

2) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still have a bad marriage?

First off, you need to realize that these are principles and experiential wisdom. Since dating isn't directly addressed in scripture, there aren't many rules about dating found in scripture. We find some rules about sexuality. We find descriptions of love, masculinity, and femininity. And we find a great of scripture on how to live wisely.

Second, nothing you can do will 100% guarantee a successful marriage (though you can get close), but there plenty of things you can do to guarantee an early divorce. Before you're married, you need to do everything in your power to be the best husband/wife you can be before you're married. For you to have a successful marriage, you need to be a great spouse. You can't force the person you marry to be a good spouse, but you can use wisdom in looking for the person you marry.

As for the question, I'll try and answer each interpretation of the question.

1) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

This series doesn't give you instructions on how to make any relationship work. In fact, through this series you may discover that you aren't ready to be dating or you need to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Likewise, some relationships shouldn't end in marriage.


2) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still have a bad marriage?

Unfortunately, even if you do all you're supposed to do, a marriage can still go bad. Whoever you marry is going to be a sinner. They have the potential for great sin. You may continue in the faith, but they might not. They might become lazy or passive in the faith.

Also, I would seriously reconsider whether you've actually followed all of the rules/principles. To say you've follow all of the rules is to imply you're the perfect man or woman. Hopefully you don't actually believe that. Certainly you have some area you can work on.


I don't say all of this to scare you. I firmly believe that if you chase hard after Christ and strive to be "the one," use great wisdom and discernment in finding a spouse, and work hard to love and serve your spouse, you're almost guaranteed to have a good marriage. In those cases, it's simply extreme cases where a spouse drastically changes after getting married.

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What happens when God puts multiple godly girls in your life (whom you're romantically interested)?

Don't date all of them at the same time! You aren't the Christian Bachelor. You aren't God's gift to women. Dating shouldn't be a competition. Don't pit them against each other.

You don't want to lead them on or become emotionally attached. Instead, focus on being friends with all of them. Over time it will become clear if one of them is the one you should date.

I met Jennifer literally days before I left for Bible college, and Bible college is filled with Godly women. I'd only just met Jennifer, there was no commitment, and we were 1,200 miles apart. There was every reason to look for a relationship at my college. However, after I met Jennifer, it just seemed obvious I didn't need to look elsewhere.

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