Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Before You Say, "I Do" - Q & A - Session 3
This week's questions:
(1) If you struggle with an addiction but are fighting it, are you a hypocrite when you try and share your faith?
(2) What happens when God puts multiple godly girls in your life (whom you're romantically interested)?
(3) How long should you date before proposing?
(4) Is it wrong to do photoshopping (air brushing celebrities on magazine covers) as a career?
Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 3
(1) If you struggle with an addiction but are fighting it, are you a hypocrite when you try and share your faith?
(2) What happens when God puts multiple godly girls in your life (whom you're romantically interested)?
(3) How long should you date before proposing?
(4) Is it wrong to do photoshopping (air brushing celebrities on magazine covers) as a career?
Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 3
Thursday, March 26, 2009
What do you say to church members who disapprove of your God-centered relationship? Part 2 (Jenn's take)
Well, I think Sean summarized it pretty well already, but here's my two cents:
One thing that I think is essential in resolving conflict of any kind is a "safe" environment. Nobody is at their best behavior when they feel threatened, insulted, belittled, or disrespected. Keep this in mind when you think about this issue.
In what context have these people expressed concerns about your relationship? How did you respond?
If they're accusatory, chances are, you're going to go on the defensive and not listen to what they're saying -- that's what I did when I found myself in this situation many years ago. Here are just a few ideas to try to help you from doing what I did:
- Try to make your goal not to WIN the argument, but to understand the other person's point of view.
- If tempers are flaring, or emotions are running high, take a break -- express your interest in hearing the person's concerns out, but not in a shouting match
- Regardless of who is confronting you, remember that you are accountable for your actions/reactions, regardless of the delivery of the disapproval.
Also, if you have a mentor or accountability partner that you trust, arrange to meet with them and discuss the situation. Tell them why others seem to disapprove of your relationship, discuss your standpoint, and be prepared to LISTEN to what they have to say in response to this.
Above all else, your most powerful ally in this situation is prayer. Pray for your attitude, for wisdom and discernment to find the truth, for God to reveal to you the direction you should go, or reveal to those with issues with your relationship that all is well -- pray, pray, pray, and PRAY!
One thing that I think is essential in resolving conflict of any kind is a "safe" environment. Nobody is at their best behavior when they feel threatened, insulted, belittled, or disrespected. Keep this in mind when you think about this issue.
In what context have these people expressed concerns about your relationship? How did you respond?
If they're accusatory, chances are, you're going to go on the defensive and not listen to what they're saying -- that's what I did when I found myself in this situation many years ago. Here are just a few ideas to try to help you from doing what I did:
- Try to make your goal not to WIN the argument, but to understand the other person's point of view.
- If tempers are flaring, or emotions are running high, take a break -- express your interest in hearing the person's concerns out, but not in a shouting match
- Regardless of who is confronting you, remember that you are accountable for your actions/reactions, regardless of the delivery of the disapproval.
Also, if you have a mentor or accountability partner that you trust, arrange to meet with them and discuss the situation. Tell them why others seem to disapprove of your relationship, discuss your standpoint, and be prepared to LISTEN to what they have to say in response to this.
Above all else, your most powerful ally in this situation is prayer. Pray for your attitude, for wisdom and discernment to find the truth, for God to reveal to you the direction you should go, or reveal to those with issues with your relationship that all is well -- pray, pray, pray, and PRAY!
What do you say to church members who disapprove of your God-centered relationship? Part 1 (Sean's take)
This is a difficult question to answer for several reasons. I'll just tell you my problems with the question and hopefully that will point you towards the answer to your question.
1) I Don't Know Who these Church Members Are
There are a number of different church members who might be raising concerns.
Is it your girlfriend's parents? If so, then you need to respect them as an authority over them. If you can't submit to their authority, you aren't ready to be dating.
Is it a more mature believer who loves you and wants the best for both of you? In that case, you would be foolish to ignore their concerns. There are reasons why they could be wrong, but you'd be a fool (in the biblical sense) to ignore their guidance.
2) I Don't Know Why They Disapprove
Without knowing their specific objection, I can't really tell you how to respond. I would recommend you listen to their concerns. Correct any misconceptions. Accept any corrections. Reason with them. But at the end of the day, you may simply disagree over a non-essential.
3) You Don't Have the Best Perspective to Determine Your Relationship is God-Centered?
We're all sinners with deceptive hearts (Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3). Without accountability, we'll quickly be led deep into sin by our own hearts. We'll over-look areas of sin and rationalize foolish decisions.
The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you have a whole bunch of reasons to rationalize and justify a poor relationship. Most church members don't have motivations to randomly want to break your relationship up. So they will likely have a better perspective on your relationship than you do (assuming they love Jesus). Of course, if it's a bitter or jealous peer, you can probably ignore their feedback.
The bottom line is that if it's a godly person who loves you, you need to listen to their concerns because they can see faults you miss. If it's a fool with faulty motives, it's probably best to ignore their words.
1) I Don't Know Who these Church Members Are
There are a number of different church members who might be raising concerns.
Is it your girlfriend's parents? If so, then you need to respect them as an authority over them. If you can't submit to their authority, you aren't ready to be dating.
Is it a more mature believer who loves you and wants the best for both of you? In that case, you would be foolish to ignore their concerns. There are reasons why they could be wrong, but you'd be a fool (in the biblical sense) to ignore their guidance.
Proverbs 13:20 "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."
Is it someone who has different convictions regarding dating and courtship? We're not all going to agree about everything. The Bible gives us some clear commands and some principles, but it doesn't give us an instruction book for relationships. The Bible does tell us how to deal with differences in non-essentials. Read Romans 14-15. Here's a preview
Romans 14
1 Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.
Is it your sexual active drug addicted friend with no moral compass? You really don't want to take dating advise from people who are more screwed up than you.1 Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.
2) I Don't Know Why They Disapprove
Without knowing their specific objection, I can't really tell you how to respond. I would recommend you listen to their concerns. Correct any misconceptions. Accept any corrections. Reason with them. But at the end of the day, you may simply disagree over a non-essential.
3) You Don't Have the Best Perspective to Determine Your Relationship is God-Centered?
We're all sinners with deceptive hearts (Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3). Without accountability, we'll quickly be led deep into sin by our own hearts. We'll over-look areas of sin and rationalize foolish decisions.
The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you have a whole bunch of reasons to rationalize and justify a poor relationship. Most church members don't have motivations to randomly want to break your relationship up. So they will likely have a better perspective on your relationship than you do (assuming they love Jesus). Of course, if it's a bitter or jealous peer, you can probably ignore their feedback.
The bottom line is that if it's a godly person who loves you, you need to listen to their concerns because they can see faults you miss. If it's a fool with faulty motives, it's probably best to ignore their words.
Should a long distance relationship discourage you?
No but it should cause you to seriously consider the relationship.
I've been in two long distance relationships. One ended with me heart broken and swearing off long distance relationships. The other ended with me engaged and then married. So I can speak from experience on the best and worst of long distance relationships.
Things to Consider:
1) Communication is Hard
All of our communication will be through phone, email, text message, Facebook, and MySpace. Having extended planned phone calls is hard. My first serious relationship ended because I kept calling her when she was off to hangout with her new friends. I was desperate to talk to her, but I was her annoying boyfriend who was keeping her from making new friends.
You have to be real creative if you want variety in the relationship. Jennifer and I ended up having lots of phone movie dates. We'd each put the same movie in our DVD player, and we'd push play at the same time. Then we'd talk to each other over the phone throughout the movie.
2) Your Boy/Girlfriend Will Be Surrounded By Other Boys/Girls
It's hard to be far away from someone you care about. It's even harder when you realize they have friends who are your sex. They get to spend time with him in person. They get to experience what's going on his life, and you only get to hear about what's going on in his life.
This was one of the hardest things for Jennifer and I. We were both attending new schools, making new friends, and having new experiences. We couldn't share these experiences together. And each of us knew of the other boys/girls the other person was hanging out with.
This also makes it very easy for the other person to cheat on you. I could list off story after story people who've been cheated on while in a long distance relationship. And more often, in the circumstances it's less premediated because the person pursuing them didn't even know they were dating someone.
Closing Thoughts
I've been in two long distance relationships. One ended with me heart broken and swearing off long distance relationships. The other ended with me engaged and then married. So I can speak from experience on the best and worst of long distance relationships.
Things to Consider:
1) Communication is Hard
All of our communication will be through phone, email, text message, Facebook, and MySpace. Having extended planned phone calls is hard. My first serious relationship ended because I kept calling her when she was off to hangout with her new friends. I was desperate to talk to her, but I was her annoying boyfriend who was keeping her from making new friends.
You have to be real creative if you want variety in the relationship. Jennifer and I ended up having lots of phone movie dates. We'd each put the same movie in our DVD player, and we'd push play at the same time. Then we'd talk to each other over the phone throughout the movie.
2) Your Boy/Girlfriend Will Be Surrounded By Other Boys/Girls
It's hard to be far away from someone you care about. It's even harder when you realize they have friends who are your sex. They get to spend time with him in person. They get to experience what's going on his life, and you only get to hear about what's going on in his life.
This was one of the hardest things for Jennifer and I. We were both attending new schools, making new friends, and having new experiences. We couldn't share these experiences together. And each of us knew of the other boys/girls the other person was hanging out with.
This also makes it very easy for the other person to cheat on you. I could list off story after story people who've been cheated on while in a long distance relationship. And more often, in the circumstances it's less premediated because the person pursuing them didn't even know they were dating someone.
Closing Thoughts
- Don't do it if you don't think the relationship has a future. Of course, if you don't think a relationship has a future, then you probably shouldn't be dating the person.
- One advantage of a long distance relationship is that it makes it more difficult to fail physially.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 1 of 3
When addressing this subject, we need to make sure we have a correct understanding of the battle and the end goal. So I wanted to make sure a couple of points were clear before directly answering the question.
Put Your Lust to Death, Don't Just Manage It
The name of this post is the exact content of a text message I received from a student. The first thing you need to do is not view it as simply "managing" a problem. You need to view it as a going to war with sin. You're going head to head against something which is so wicked that the only way for that act to be forgiven was for God to live as a man and die on a cross.
We don't need to manage our sin; we need to destroy it. If you don't kill it, it will kill you.
Then the question becomes, "How do I put my lustful desires to death?"
Sex Drive Comes From God, Lust Comes From Sin
We need to make sure that we're clear that the goal isn't to kill your sexual desires. You have sexual desires because God made you that way. You have lustful desires because you're a sinner giving into worldly desires.
The goal is for you to pursue righteousness and purity. That means you think about sex and sexuality biblically and with marriage in mind. The opposite of struggling with lust isn't turn into a celebate monk. The opposite is viewing and acting on your sexual desires the way God intended.
At the Bible college I attend, I met multiple people with completely perverse views of sexuality. These weren't people who were addicted to porn or had weird fetishes. These were people with no sexual desire at all. My wife knew a girl who said she had no interest in sex at all, and claimed she wanted to get married to have a live in best friend who she could cuddle with. After a few years they might have sex. That's a completely perverse and unbiblical view of sex which will destroy her marriage if she actually attempts it once married.
Don't kill your sex drive. Have your mind renewed by God so that you view sexuality the way He does.
Put Your Lust to Death, Don't Just Manage It
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Colossians 3:5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
The name of this post is the exact content of a text message I received from a student. The first thing you need to do is not view it as simply "managing" a problem. You need to view it as a going to war with sin. You're going head to head against something which is so wicked that the only way for that act to be forgiven was for God to live as a man and die on a cross.
We don't need to manage our sin; we need to destroy it. If you don't kill it, it will kill you.
Then the question becomes, "How do I put my lustful desires to death?"
Sex Drive Comes From God, Lust Comes From Sin
We need to make sure that we're clear that the goal isn't to kill your sexual desires. You have sexual desires because God made you that way. You have lustful desires because you're a sinner giving into worldly desires.
Romans 12:2 (New International Version)
2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
The goal is for you to pursue righteousness and purity. That means you think about sex and sexuality biblically and with marriage in mind. The opposite of struggling with lust isn't turn into a celebate monk. The opposite is viewing and acting on your sexual desires the way God intended.
At the Bible college I attend, I met multiple people with completely perverse views of sexuality. These weren't people who were addicted to porn or had weird fetishes. These were people with no sexual desire at all. My wife knew a girl who said she had no interest in sex at all, and claimed she wanted to get married to have a live in best friend who she could cuddle with. After a few years they might have sex. That's a completely perverse and unbiblical view of sex which will destroy her marriage if she actually attempts it once married.
Don't kill your sex drive. Have your mind renewed by God so that you view sexuality the way He does.
How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 2 of 3
1) Acknowledge It is Sin and Repent
The first part is much easier than the second. If you have any faith in Christ then the Holy Spirit is in you, and you should be able to acknowledge that your behavior is sinful. However, choosing to repent and turn from your sin requires far more from you.
Repentance means you are choosing to move in the opposite direction. It's not simply scaling back your lustful desires. It is pursing righteousness. If you're not pursing something else, you'll quickly drift back to where you were at.
2) Confess Your Sin to a More Mature Believer Who Will Hold You Accountable
The reason that so many people have such severe struggles with pornography and masturbation is because they're ashamed of their sin and keep it hidden. They're taboo subjects among Christians, and demonized to the point that people are terrified to confess their sin. Therefore, they keep it to themselves, and ignore the thing which scripture says will bring healing.
You want to confess your sin to someone who is more mature than you, and who isn't struggling with lust. Two drowning people can't really help each other. You need someone who can pull you up.
When you commit a sin enough that you become addicted to it, you're fighting more than simply your sin nature (which you can't beat on your own anyway). By definition, an addiction means you have a compulsive need for something. It's always sinful, it's often psychological, and it can even be biological.
Therefore, sometimes you simply need to cut off your access to the things which cause you to sin.
Lust has always been a universal problem for men, and sexual sin has always plagued mankind. However, the internet has given everyone instant and private access to pornography. It's easier than ever to commit sexual sin without getting caught. Therefore, it's essential that you restrict or eliminate your access to the internet.
There are a number of programs out there which can block certain websites or which will hold you accountable. I tend to encourage accountability programs over blocking programs because they're relational rather than mechanical. You want a person helping you out, not a computer. There are links to several good programs on the resource page.
While cutting yourself off from porn can help, they don't cut you off from the source of your problem, your sinful heart. That leads us to the next point.
4) Fill Your Life with Scripture and Prayer
We live in a world which is filled with sexual imagery. Every news stand at the grocery store has multiple magazines covers of photoshopped women in bikinis leading men to lust and women to have unrealistic expectations. Every television program either explicitly or implicitly promotes an unbiblical view of sex. Every cologne ad makes it look like purpose of cologne is to have sex with women.
You can't go anywhere without being smacked in the face with sexual images...and we haven't even started talking about immodest clothing.
All that to say, if you're counting on one or two sermons to give you your spiritual fill for the week, it's not going to happen. On a very practical level, if you're bombarded by sexual images on a daily basis, but you only touch your Bible on Sunday...naturally you're going to think far more about sex than you do about Jesus. If you don't fill your life up with Christ, then the world will fill you up with sex.
5) Realize Your Sanctification is a Process and a Work of the Holy Spirit
We don't just need Christ to live in Heaven.
We need Christ to truly live here on the earth.
Sometimes we get the idea that Christ gives us our ticket to Heaven, but then we need to figure out how to follow Him while on the earth. That just isn't the picture you see in scripture.
6) Realize It is a Life Long Battle
Every Christian who struggles with lust, porn or masturbation can resonate with the apostle Paul's words here. Paul wrote half of the New Testament, spread the gospel with great vigor than possibly anyone in history, but he called himself the worst of all sinners (1 Tim. 1:15-16). If Paul couldn't defeat sin, who am I to assume I'm more righteous than he?
I'm not aware of anywhere that God promises to completely remove our struggles with sin in this life. Never let your guard down. You will never be mature enough that you can stop worrying about sin.
The first part is much easier than the second. If you have any faith in Christ then the Holy Spirit is in you, and you should be able to acknowledge that your behavior is sinful. However, choosing to repent and turn from your sin requires far more from you.
Repentance means you are choosing to move in the opposite direction. It's not simply scaling back your lustful desires. It is pursing righteousness. If you're not pursing something else, you'll quickly drift back to where you were at.
2) Confess Your Sin to a More Mature Believer Who Will Hold You Accountable
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
The reason that so many people have such severe struggles with pornography and masturbation is because they're ashamed of their sin and keep it hidden. They're taboo subjects among Christians, and demonized to the point that people are terrified to confess their sin. Therefore, they keep it to themselves, and ignore the thing which scripture says will bring healing.
You want to confess your sin to someone who is more mature than you, and who isn't struggling with lust. Two drowning people can't really help each other. You need someone who can pull you up.
- Give them permission to confront you and ask about your thought life
- Setup an account so they receive an email which tells them every webpage you visit
- Give them permission to call you at random to check up on you
Matthew 5
28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Therefore, sometimes you simply need to cut off your access to the things which cause you to sin.
Lust has always been a universal problem for men, and sexual sin has always plagued mankind. However, the internet has given everyone instant and private access to pornography. It's easier than ever to commit sexual sin without getting caught. Therefore, it's essential that you restrict or eliminate your access to the internet.
There are a number of programs out there which can block certain websites or which will hold you accountable. I tend to encourage accountability programs over blocking programs because they're relational rather than mechanical. You want a person helping you out, not a computer. There are links to several good programs on the resource page.
While cutting yourself off from porn can help, they don't cut you off from the source of your problem, your sinful heart. That leads us to the next point.
4) Fill Your Life with Scripture and Prayer
2 Timothy 3:16-17 (New International Version)
16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
We live in a world which is filled with sexual imagery. Every news stand at the grocery store has multiple magazines covers of photoshopped women in bikinis leading men to lust and women to have unrealistic expectations. Every television program either explicitly or implicitly promotes an unbiblical view of sex. Every cologne ad makes it look like purpose of cologne is to have sex with women.
You can't go anywhere without being smacked in the face with sexual images...and we haven't even started talking about immodest clothing.
All that to say, if you're counting on one or two sermons to give you your spiritual fill for the week, it's not going to happen. On a very practical level, if you're bombarded by sexual images on a daily basis, but you only touch your Bible on Sunday...naturally you're going to think far more about sex than you do about Jesus. If you don't fill your life up with Christ, then the world will fill you up with sex.
5) Realize Your Sanctification is a Process and a Work of the Holy Spirit
Romans 8
5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
We don't just need Christ to live in Heaven.
We need Christ to truly live here on the earth.
Sometimes we get the idea that Christ gives us our ticket to Heaven, but then we need to figure out how to follow Him while on the earth. That just isn't the picture you see in scripture.
6) Realize It is a Life Long Battle
Romans 7
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
Every Christian who struggles with lust, porn or masturbation can resonate with the apostle Paul's words here. Paul wrote half of the New Testament, spread the gospel with great vigor than possibly anyone in history, but he called himself the worst of all sinners (1 Tim. 1:15-16). If Paul couldn't defeat sin, who am I to assume I'm more righteous than he?
I'm not aware of anywhere that God promises to completely remove our struggles with sin in this life. Never let your guard down. You will never be mature enough that you can stop worrying about sin.
How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 3 of 3
Books
Every Young Man's Battle - The title says it all. If you're a guy, read it.
Every Young Woman's Battle - The girl version.
Websites
xxxchurch.com - Videos and articles on how to battle lust, masturbation, and porn addiction
Porn Again Christian - An ebook by Mark Driscoll on battling porn and masturbation. Written for guys only
Accountability Software
xxxchurch.com - Free software
Covenant Eyes - Costs Monthly
Every Young Man's Battle - The title says it all. If you're a guy, read it.
Every Young Woman's Battle - The girl version.
Websites
xxxchurch.com - Videos and articles on how to battle lust, masturbation, and porn addiction
Porn Again Christian - An ebook by Mark Driscoll on battling porn and masturbation. Written for guys only
Accountability Software
xxxchurch.com - Free software
Covenant Eyes - Costs Monthly
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What if there is someone that believes in God, but they don't go to church?
I'll start off by acknowledging that there are valid reasons someone might not "go" to church.
- Unusual circumstances (physical limitations, parent forbids attendance)
- Attend a house church
- No good local churches
- Meet with believers in some alternative setting
Is Picturing Your Girlfriend in a Sexual Way Wrong?
Matthew 5
27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Having sexual thoughts about your girlfriend by definition is lust, and scripture and teachings of Jesus clearly forbid lust. Someone is either your spouse or they aren't. So while you may have a commitment to your girlfriend, she is no more your wife than every other girl you're not married to. Therefore, it is sinful to have sexual/lustful thoughts about her.
Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 1
This weeks questions:
(1) "How do you manage your struggles with lust?"
(2) "What do you do when you follow all of these rules and the relationship still fails?"
(3)"Is picturing your girlfriend in a sexual way wrong?"
Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 1
