Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 12 - The Reason Not to Date

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Q & A - Sex Edition

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 13 - Awkward Sex Talk

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 13 - Awkward Sex Talk

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Aren't we called to treat women like sisters? I don't desire a sister; can you explain that?

1 Timothy 5
1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

If you're a good sibling, you're protective towards yours sisters. You care for them. You want them best for them. You don't take sexual advantage of them. You don't make sexual advances towards them.

Things You Do With Your Sister

• Hang out


• Talk


• Go eat


• Play games

Things You Don't Do With Your Sister

• Make out


• Talk Dirty


• Pass first, second, or third base...or go anywhere ear the field

Brothers and fathers are notorious for threatening to beat up anyone that threatens the purity of their sister or daughter. That's the attitude you should have towards young ladies.

Too may guys view young ladies as objects for their pleasure, things to be used. If that's you, repent now. Girls, if you know a guy like that, stay away from him. Guys, if you know someone like that, go confront him right now.

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What's an appropriate way (after you have figured out that you and your girlfriend/boyfriend aren't "meant to be") to let them go?

Do it...

1) Quickly

Don't drag things out. Don't string them along. If you realize things aren't going to work, go and tell them immediately. You don't want them getting more emotionally attached while you're heading elsewhere.

2) Gracefully

• Don't be a jerk


• Realize you're probably going to hurt the person


• Show sympathy for their feelings


• Do it in person if you're not 100s of miles apart


• Do it somewhere it won't be awkward...you really don't want to be responsible for them embarrassing themselves by crying in the middle of the hallway at school. NOT COOL!

3) Reasonably

• Tell them in plain language what is going on
• 
  
• Don't leave them guessing, that would be rude


• Realize they're looking for closer. Sometimes that isn't possible, but if you blatantly leave them without answers, they'll keep following you around until you give them.

4) Clearly

• Don't be subtle...if they deserve better (assuming they aren't a jerk) and if they really like you they won't get it


• Don't simply leave clues or stop calling


• Don't use vague language leaves them thinking there is hope where there is none

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Is it ever appropriate to fight someone for your girlfriend if they are being disrespected?

Jennifer put it well when she said this:

Your reaction should match the action.

Some guys turning everything into a verbal confrontation. That's bad. You need to respond with appropriate force.

I recall going to a concert about 8 years ago. I was in the middle of the mosh pit towards the center of the stage. It was jam packed with the most rabid and excited fans. Everyone was there to enjoy the show...except this one guy who though his job was to keep everyone away from his girlfriend. He was made worse by the fact that he was holding to cups of beer over her head. If he didn't want anyone near his girlfriend, he shouldn't have been in the middle of a mosh pit. He was just looking for a fight.

Don't do stuff like that. That isn't defending her honor. That's just being a jerk.

Think about it this way.

• A harmless joke gets a harmless response


• A slight offense needs a non-confrontational verbal warning


• An offensive comment needs a verbal confrontation


• A physical assault requires you physically remove the person and then call the police

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 11 - Q&A

1) What does it mean to treat women like sisters?

2) What is an appropriate way to break up with a girl once you realize she isn't the girl God has for you?

3) How can you avoid lust while not becoming someone who notices nothing?

4) Is it ever ok to fight someone if they disrespect your girlfriend?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 11 - How to Get a Girlfriend...

...or Love Versus Infatuation.

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What is in a man that God wants to pull out of him before marriage?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 10 - What is Love?

Before You Say, "I Do" Session 10 - What is Love?

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Men need to embrace authority and responsibility

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Girls, You Want a Husband Who Loves Jesus

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If You Wait, God Will Bring You a Man....maybe not

Another funny clip from Matt Chandler. He takes on some common ideas regarding singleness.

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Why men and women are just like computers

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What if you have already messed up? Am I still worthy of a spouse? Because I know I am filthy and not deserving?

Absolutely. I often feel silly or old fashioned when I use phrases like “lies of the devil,” but I believe that this thought is a lie to keep you from giving God the credit He deserves. Think of, if you will, of Bobby Boucher’s mother saying “foos-ball is da debbil!” Only, instead of football, insert this idea where you believe you’re unworthy of forgiveness or redemption because of what you have done.


Nobody is perfect. It’s human nature to sin. I’m not condoning sin in any capacity, but we are sinful, and that’s the bottom line. Christ knew this about us, and died for us anyway. Like Sean talked about Monday night, Christ’s righteousness is imbued upon those who repent from their sin and pursue a relationship with Him. It’s as simple as that. He died so that we may have the option to be forgiven and be reunited with Him – if we choose to accept that forgiveness, we are forgiven. Voila!


Of course, if we were perfect from the moment of repentance, things would be so much easier. But we all know that being a Christian doesn’t mean that you’re perfect…or that you don’t struggle. Living a Christian life is a daily decision; a constant effort on your part to glorify God in the things that you think and do…the way that you live. Dating is no exception.


I remember when I was a senior in high school. At that point, out of all my close church friends, I was the only girl who had kissed a boy before. It made me feel bad…like I was damaged somehow. Just remembering this makes me laugh, at how distraught I was, and how I was convinced that I didn’t deserve a “good” guy because I wasn’t “good.” Lies, lies, lies, LIES. So completely not true. If you are a Christian, and you are saying that you aren’t good enough, then you’re cheapening the gospel, and treating the sacrifice Christ made for you as insufficient. If you have truly repented, then God looks at you like He does Christ – remember that.


That’s not to say that you’re redeemed and therefore you should sin as much as you want, and just remember to say “I’m sorry” afterward. Just as Christ was raised from the dead, when we choose to follow Him, we are meant to live a new life (Romans 6:1-4). If you are truly repentant of your past sins, and you’re living in such a way to avoid repeating those mistakes, you’re heading the right direction. The part of the question that says “because I am filthy and not deserving” gives me hope for you and your future – because being humble keeps us where we’re meant to be. If you weren’t concerned with your spiritual depravity, or you thought you had it all together, you’d be in far more trouble than it sounds like you are – being grieved by past sin. Remorse is an appropriate reaction to sin.

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Jennifer's Advice in Regards to Marriage and Accountability

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Is it okay to date a non-Christian with a bad reputation who is willing to go to church with you?

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What shaping does God need to do in a woman before she's ready for marriage?

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What if you have already messed up? Am I still worthy of a wife? Because I know I am filthy and not deserving.

By yourself, you are completely and totally unworthy. You're an unworthy sinner. But through Christ your sins have been forgiven. Christianity isn't a religion about rules, guilt, and shame. It's about a God who came down to earth to redeem and forgive mankind. Though we were undeserving of His grace, He sent His son Jesus to the earth to die for your sin. Your sin was put on Him. He paid the price on the cross, and conquered death through the resurrection. We have access to this forgiveness by turning from our sin and putting our faith in Christ.

If you've put your faith in Christ, you don't need to carry the weight and guilt of your sin. Christ has already carried that burden. If you continue to carry that burden, you're saying that Christ died for nothing. When God sees you, He doesn't see a sinner, He sees a saint. You need to see yourself the same way God sees you.

Of course, this isn't license to sin. If you think the forgiveness of Christ means you can do whatever you want, you clearly haven't turned from your sin or repented. In that case, you seriously need to consider whether you've truly put your faith in Christ.

With that said, consider what the Bible has to say about people who have put their faith in Christ.

You Have Been Declared Righteous and Innocent

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

The Greek word which is translated "justified" is dikaioō. It is a legal term which literal means you have been declared righteous. It is the modern day equivalent of being put on trial, and being found completely innocent. I actually wrote an 8 page paper on the word dikaioō. You can read it here.

There is No Condemnation for You

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

You are a Saint

Romans 1:7 to all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints:

1 Corinthians 2 To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling...

Colossians 1:2 To the saints and faithful brethren in Christ who are at Colossae

Your Sin Will Never be Held Against You

Romans 4: 7"Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 8 Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

You are Clothed in Righteousness

Isaiah 61:10
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Psalm 132:9
May your priests be clothed with righteousness; may your saints sing for joy."

Your Sin has been Completely Removed

Psalm 103:12
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

1 Corinthians 6:11 (notice the verbs are past tense)
And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Romans 10:4
Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes.

Philippians 3:9
and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 9 - How Far is Too Far?

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 9 - How Far is Too Far?

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Articles on Teenage Sex and Sexting

Someone asked for my sources on some of the statistics I've quoted. Here are some of the articles I've been reading.

When the Cell Phone Teaches Sex Education

Flirting goes high-tech with racy photos shared on cellphones, Web

Middle school youth as young as 12 engaging in risky sexual activity

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God Doesn't Want Passive Men

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For a girl to be sober-minded, does she need to be able to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-breakup interactions? (Jenn’s take)

Wow, good question. The short answer is yes.

That is to say that, to exhibit a character of sobriety or self control should be a commonplace thing in your life. As a general rule, you should be well-balanced, even keel, and not erratic in your behavior.

Granted, things happen in life that catch us off guard, that cause us to feel unbalanced and out of sorts. Let me clarify this by saying that, when you are grieving, you’re not less of a woman for crying, sobbing, wailing, feeling sad, etc. That in and of itself does not mean you’re emotionally out of control.

As far as relationships go, it’s natural to be sad when one ends – it’s hard. You’re entitled to grieve that loss. You’re not entitled to go crazy, pull a “Before He Cheats” number on your ex’s truck, or anything of that sort. Vent your frustration and pain to your close friends (and I mean a few close friends, not your entire campus or youth group – don’t use this as an excuse to trash talk or spread slanderous things about your ex), and move on.

When I went through my last break up, it was really hard. The guy and I had been dating a long time and, even though I ended it and knew it was the way it should be, I still grieved the loss of that relationship, and that was okay. I do remember making a conscious decision not to wallow in my sorrow. I had some bad days but, for the most part, really tried to have quality time with my close girlfriends, evaluate the things I saw in myself (character and qualities) that I wanted to change or strengthen and try to improve them, as well as got back to the hobbies and activities that had fallen by the way-side throughout the course of my relationship. I invested in my non-dating relationships, and invested in myself both spiritually and generically. This is not to say that I did things perfectly, but in a post-relationship situation, that’s what I did to try to be proactive in keeping my emotions in check.

So, to answer the question, yes – to be sober-minded, a girl needs to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-break-up interactions.

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You say not to stare at girls. Do you honestly say you don't struggle? How do you keep from looking?

I'd be highly suspicious of any guy who claims he doesn't struggle with lust. In fact, I'd say any guy claiming not to struggle with lust falls into one of four categories.

1) He's Lying
2) He's Confused or Defining "Struggle" Differently
3) There's Something Wrong With Him
4) He's Jesus

Struggling doesn't mean he's sinning. It does mean he's tempted to stare at and lust after girls who aren't his wife.

Jesus answered your question in the Sermon on the Mount and Paul restates the same principle in 1st Corinthians.

Matthew 5
27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

The simple principle: Flee from whatever causes you to sin

Don't Face Girls You're Attracted To

I'm talking about literally not facing girls who you're attracted to. In the cafeteria at lunch, sit in a chair facing the wall. In class, position yourself so you're facing anything but a girl you're lusting after. If you see someone you're attracted to at the store, go the other way.

This past Sunday I went to lunch with a couple of other married couples. As we approached our table, I immediately noticed three girls sitting at a table who looked like they were on their way to interview for a job at Hooters. I could pick which side of the table I was to sit on. I chose a side where I wasn't facing their table.

Don't Go Places Where You Will See Immodest Girls

• At the public pool there will be attractive girls in string bikinis


• At the mall there will be a Victoria's Secret, a Fredric's of Hollywood, and lots of girls dressing provocatively


• The magazine rack will have magazines with girls showing off all God gave them


• If a movie trailer shows scenes with a girl dressed provocatively (or undressed), don't be surprised if those scenes appear in the film

Unfortunately, this one is impossible to live out because our culture uses sex to self everything. There are very few public places you can go without running into immodestly dressed girls.

Don't Have a Computer in Your Room

If you struggle with internet pornography, having a computer in your room with internet access with no filter is like being an alcoholic working as a bartender. Or being a crack addicted living in crack house. That addiction isn't going anywhere.


Some of these suggestions may seem extreme, but the consequences of sin are even more extreme. Sometimes pursing Christ requires taking radical steps. If you're unwilling to make sacrifices, that should tell you something about your devotion to Christ.

Here are three more blogs on fighting lust.

1) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part I - Put Your Lust to Death
2) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part II - Six Steps to Killing Lust
3) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part III - Resources

Here's a free online book: Porn Again Christian by Mark Driscoll (he's in all those videos I frequently show)

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Say you have a chick dat be all up on your jock but goes to church; how do you know God didn't put her in your life?

The best way to discover God's will for our lives is to read our Bibles. God may have a will for you in addition to scripture but not in contradiction of scripture. If all of scripture indicates you shouldn't date a girl who is all up in your jock, then God doesn't want you to date her.

I don't really need to expand on this, but here are some relevant Proverbs.

Proverbs 6
26 for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

Proverbs 7
10 Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.

Proverbs 29:3
A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth.

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Before You Say, "I Do"- Session 8 - Q & A

Raw and real answers to questions received via text message.

1) You say not to stair at girls. Do you honestly say you don't struggle? How do you keep from looking?
2) Is the tradition of guys paying for the date a biblical tradition? What if the girl wants to pay?
3) What should a guy's sense of humor be? "That's what she said" or very stoic?
4) Is there a too serious mode?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 8 - Act Like a Man Part II

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What if the girl you like used to be a "slut," but she claims she's changed and is an avid Christian? Do you look at the past? (Jenn’s take)

When I first heard this question, a warning sounded in my head. Guys, if this is the girl you’re looking at dating, I strongly encourage you to consider WHY you want to date her.

Did you meet her, think of her as a strong Christian, or a girl with good character, and then find out about her past? If so, then you’re probably at least on the right track. Like Sean said though, be patient and conscious of the timing. If this is a recent life-change for this girl, even if she is building a good reputation, give it time to solidify. Give her time to grow in her relationship with God before initiating something romantic.

Now, the reason my red flag went up – if you have known this girl for awhile, and were aware of her previous reputation prior to knowing that she became a Christian, REALLY THINK LONG AND HARD about your motives for dating her. I think that says enough there. Just think about it.

Regardless of which side you find yourself on, if you’ve got concerns about her past, or they’re something you think might intimidate you in the future, maybe just befriend her for the time being, without any intention of dating. That will enable you to get to know her, recognize her character, and hopefully see that, rather than her past. If, for any reason, you feel like you’ll make jokes about her history, or ask questions that need not be asked, then reconsider pursuing a relationship with this girl – for both your sakes.

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How to Be Romantic

This is really meant for married couples, but the guy talking is Matt Chandler...and I'll use any excuse possible to include preaching from a Chandler.

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What do you do when you follow all these rules and the relationship still fails? (Jenn's take)

I think I would say that the greatest benefit to following the rules isn't specifically finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, but knowing that you treated everyone you had a relationship with in a God honoring manner. You know what I'm saying?

The question is coming at this from the wrong angle; the point of these discussions and nuggets of wisdom is not to give you a step-by-step “how to find a spouse.” It’s more how to avoid common mistakes and misconceptions about relationships, dating, and marriage. If you’re looking to this information as a formula to discover your soul mate, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Chances are, if you follow what we’ve said, pursue God’s wisdom and the wisdom of those He has placed around you when considering relationships – you’ll handle yourself well, and hopefully come out of the relationship (regardless of how it ends) with little to no regrets.

It’s so you know what a man is, what a woman is, and what character traits and qualities you should both aspire toward in yourself, and seek in a future spouse.

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What is wrong with braided hair?

Both Peter and Paul used words against braided hair. Why?

1 Timothy 2:9
I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,

1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

The point isn't that braided hair is sinful. The point is that true beauty is in the inner self. Both passages are speaking against being obsessed with outer appearance.

Our culture doesn't just promote outer beauty, it promotes impossible beauty. Every time you go to the store we see stacks of magazines with pictures of models on the cover. But the story doesn't end there. Having models isn't enough for these magazines. After taking their pictures, they spend thousands of dollars to retouch the photos.

Consider this quote from super-model Cindy Crawford.

"I think women see me on the cover of magazines and think that I never have a pimple or bags under my eyes. You have to realize that's after two hours of hair and makeup, plus retouching. Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
- Cindy Crawford

Actress Kate Winslet possed for a photoshoot and was furious when the magazine photoshopped her pictures (finally an actress not obsessed with external beauty). This is what the magazine editor said the image was, "highly styled, buffed, trimmed and altered... to make the subject look as good as humanly possible."

As good as is humanly possible? That's the standards our girls are competing with? These ridiculous standards cause girls to strive for an impossible standard. The pressure to be skinny pushes girls into eating disorders. Clearly we're focusing on all the wrong things.

The writings of Peter and Paul aren't against braiding hair, they're against obsession with looks. They're writing a message which is completely contrary to everything our culture says. They challenge us to look to inner character rather than outer beauty.

What is wrong with braided hair? Nothing. The problem is with valuing looks over character.

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Should a long-distance relationship discourage you? (Jenn’s take)

Similarly to Sean, I’ve been in two long-distance relationships: one ended well, and the other…did not.

I guess the best advice I have to offer is to challenge you to ask yourself why you’d want to go through that. As my relationship with Sean demonstrates, it’s possible to date long distance and have it work out. But it’s hard work, requires (in my opinion) much more commitment and effort on both people than regular dating, and has its own unique set of difficulties – in addition to the regular ones that come from starting a new relationship.

So, WHY would you want to do that?

If your answer is somewhere in the ballpark of, “Because I think he/she might be someone I could marry,” and both of you have discussed this and are willing to put forth the extra effort, then go for it! If it’s something more along the lines of, “Because we’ve been dating so long, so why not?” – I would encourage you to seriously reconsider.

I think it’s easiest to date long-distance when there’s some sort of timeline in place. For example, when Sean and I met, he was going off to school in South Carolina, and I was about to start my senior year in college. There were holiday breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer) that we knew he’d be home to visit during, we planned trips in the interim periods so we got to spend some time together, and I was anticipating graduating in August of 2006…so, in theory, I’d be available to move closer to him, should we decide to go that route, in about a year. If there was an undetermined amount of time that we were going to be apart, it would have made it SO much harder for the both of us…but we made our relationship a priority, and worked hard to keep it going.

I think one thing that helped me was familiarity with Sean’s surroundings. Since I had attended the same school he did, I could imagine where he was, or which professor he was talking about – things like that. Whereas, had he been somewhere completely unfamiliar to me, I would have felt more isolated from him.

As he mentioned, one of the hardest things for both of us (particularly me, I think) was knowing that there were other girls around him when I couldn’t be. This isn’t even to say that I thought he’d cheat on me, or leave me for another girl, but just knowing that they get to share in your boyfriend’s life while you’re 1200 miles away is really hard. Little things like eating lunch together, studying, shopping, whatever…it’s hard to know you’re missing out on those little things with someone you care about and, even worse, that someone else is getting to spend that time with them. At least, it was hard for me.

I think, if you’re seriously considering dating long-distance, that it’s crucial to reassess the relationship frequently. Make sure that, if either you or your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks they might not want to date anymore, that it’s brought up right away. You have to be honest, and deal with issues as they come.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Q & A

These are raw answers to questions received live via text message.

(1) What about Ghandi's passive approach? He won the war.

(2) How do you put these things into practice in your own life?

(3) Where is the line when it comes to being passive or being a total testosterone-fueled jerk? How might one keep from being a jerk while still being assertive?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Act Like a Man

Last nights video

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Since we all sin and no one is perfect, how are you supposed to tell if someone has these qualities?

The goal isn't to find the perfect man or woman. If that's what you want...It's not gonna happen. Passages like Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 shouldn't be seen as a checklist for prospective dates. They shouldn't be seen as a goal to work towards.

When looking for "the one," you want to find someone who is actively seeking to grow closer to God in these areas (Girls - Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 - Guys - Titus 2). No one has all of the qualities perfectly manifested (well except Jesus).

Ask These Questions

(1) Which areas are they the weakest?
(2) What are they doing about it?

If someone is completely ignoring character weaknesses, they aren't pursing Christ. If they aren't pursing Christ, they aren't someone you want to be dating.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 7 - Vision of Men - MS Edition

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What About Stay at Home Dads?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part III - The Story of Sean and Jennifer Chandler

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Sean and Jennifer Chandler.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Chandler's Story

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part II - The Story of Shawn and Krista Hammer

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Shawn and Krista Hammer.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Hammers' Story

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - Part I- The Story of Brent and Carrie Hagen

Three married couples share their testimony of how they met one another, how they've changed over the years, and what they've learned through marriage. This is the story of Brent and Carrie Hagen.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 6 - The Hagens' Story

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Should Women Pursue Men?

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If you struggle with an addiction but are fighting it, are you a hypocrite when you try and share your faith?

*Disclaimer*
I'm answering this question assuming that the person asking the question is referring to an addiction to specific sin, and my answer is in regards to that specific kind of addiction.


Short answer, it depends on your definition of hypocrite.

Webster's Dictionary defines hypocrite two different ways.

Hypocrite:

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

All Bible-believing Christians are hypocrites according to the second definition. Central to Christianity is our inability to live up to God's standards. We're all sinners with sinful hearts. We're all in need of the grace and forgiveness which Christ offers.

So, according to this definition, you most certainly are a hypocrite, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means we have standards. As long as you're a humble and understand you're no better than anyone else in your flesh, this kind of hypocrisy is ok.

The bad kind of hypocrite is the one who puts on a false appearance of virtue. Those are self-righteous people who claim to be better than everyone else. The Pharisees were the bad kind of hypocrite. They were only concerned with following external rules which they'd created. They overlooked some of the most basic texts on the condition of man.

Jeremiah 17:9
9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

You don't want to be the self-righteous hypocrite who lacks humility. You want to be the humble hypocrite with a heart for the lost.

The important issue is whether you're actually fighting your struggle. Showing up at a keggar and preaching of the evils of alcohol with a beer in hand, doesn't seem like an authentic struggle. If you struggle with porn, passing out tracts inside a XXX movie theater doesn't come off like a person fighting a struggle.

If you're truly fighting your struggle, that means you acknowledge it's a sin and you're not perfect. That in and of itself indicates that you're probably the good kind of hypocrite. It's people who don't acknowledge or fight their sin who are the bad kinds of hypocrite.

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What do you do when you follow all these rules and the relationship still fails? (Jenn's take)

I think I would say that the greatest benefit to following the rules isn't even specifically finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, but knowing that you treated everyone you had a relationship with in a God honoring manner. You know what I'm saying?

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When Does Temptation Become Sin?

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What should my future boyfriend/girlfriend look like financially?

Here's the bottom line:

It's not about an amount
It's about an attitude

Titus 2
4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure...

Scripture teaches that we're to live controlled lives. We're not to live reckless, indulgent lives. So the issue is not any specific dollar amount. The issue is how the person approaches funds.

Our society is totally and unashamedly in love with instant gratification. Whatever we want, we want it now. This is entirely contrary to Jesus' example. You can find many rich people with no debt but an entirely worldly view of money and spending. On the other hand, you have people with huge amounts of debt with very frugal spending habits.

You also must consider what kind of debt the person has. College loans are a future investment. A house loan represents something which can increase in value. However, credit card debt represents spending money you simply don't have.

Here are some questions to ask:

Are they spending more than they're making?
Are you they living selfishly?
Are they living a controlled, moderate life?
Are they making wise or foolish decisions when it comes to money?

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What if the girl you like used to be a "slut," but she claims she's changed and is an avid Christian? Do you look at the past?

We serve a God of redemption. The last thing you want to do with a Christian girl with remarkable story of life-change is hold her past against her. Her sins were nailed to the cross of Christ. She is wrapped in the righteousness of Christ and indwelled by the Holy Spirit. Her sin was paid for by Christ. If we continue to persecute her for her sin, then we insult Christ's sacrifice on the cross by suggesting it wasn't enough to forgive her sin.

Romans 5
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

2nd Corinthians 5
21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Be Careful

With that stated, lots of people "go to church" and claim to be a "Christian." Christianity and church attendance are part of American culture. For that matter, a lot of churches are more like self-help seminars than places of worship and community.

In Jesus' parable of the sower (Matthew 13), we're warned about people who hear the gospel, respond to the gospel, but who have no roots and quickly fall away. I don't want to get into a theological debate about which of the groups were truly saved. The important detail is that many people will appear to grow quickly, but they will fall away quickly.

Wait Until Her Character Has Grown Into a Reputation of Integrity

For this reason, it's important that you wait until her character grows into reputation of integrity. People can change their behavior temporarily, but only Christ can truly change someone on the inside. True life change will eventually turn into a reputation.

Be patient. There's no reason to rush into a relationship. More importantly, if she used to be a "slut," then she's got a lot of baggage and issues to work through. The last thing she needs is to be in a relationship. Let her grow in her relationship with Christ. If she's still growing strong after a year, go for it. Often times the people with the roughest past will be the most passionate about Christ because they don't take sin for granted.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 5 - She's the One Part II

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Q & A - Session 5

This week's questions:

(1) What is wrong with braided hair?

(2) Say you have a chick dat be all up on your jock but goes to church; how do you know God didn't put her in your life?

(3) What does a boyfriend/girlfriend need to look like financially?

(4) Are you supposed to find a future girlfriend attractive? What if you don't find her sexually attractive?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 2 - Who Can I Date?

Far too many people have absolutely no standards when it comes to who they'll date. It appears the only requirement is opportunity. This lesson examines several biblical principles on who you should date.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 2 - Who Can I Date?

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How to Stay Pure in a Relationship? - Bubble Suit

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Text Questions

It has occurred to me that some people reading this blog might not know why I'm addressing the topics I'm addressing.

The answer is simple: I'm answering questions which where text messaged to my wife while I was preaching. After preaching she comes up and we answer questions. Then, as my time permits, I write a more through answer and post it on here. Any post which has "text question" as a tag is a question which someone asked by text message.

If I get brave I might post my wife's cell phone number on here and open this up to more people.

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If I am too Young for Marriage is it Wrong to Date?

This is a question Mark Driscoll was texted, and the video is his answer. Right now I don't agree with his answer, but he's older and wiser than me. So it would be foolish for me to ignore his answer. Likewise, it is good for you to hear the opinions and wisdom of a multitude of people.

I can be and often am WRONG. Listen to what he has to say.

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What if the chicks got a tat?

If you go to Biblegateway.com and do a search for "tattoo," one verse will come up.

Leviticus 19:28 "'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.

At first glance and without applying any exegetical (fancy Bible college word) skills, it appears the Bible condemns tattoos. However, with a little study it becomes clear something else is going on in this verse.

First off, the passage isn't condemning tattoos in general. It is condemning getting tattoos for the dead. This was a practice of the Cannaanites (neighbors of the nation of Israel). Our culture doesn't have any obvious parallels to this practice.

Second, if we look at the neighboring verses, it becomes difficult to take this verse at face value. Look at the verse before verse 28.

Leviticus 19:27 " 'Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.

We obviously don't follow this command. The reason is that it was given specifically to the nation of Israel. It was meant to make them look different from other nations. This is the same reason they were told not to get tattoos for the dead. They are not to look like their pagan and godless neighbors. These are not commands meant for us.

What if the chicks got a tat?

There is no biblical basis for saying that tattoos are sinful. Therefore, there's nothing inherently wrong with a girl having a tattoo.

In our culture today, tattoos aren't even all that edgy. Thirty years ago tattoos were something which only the rebels and perverts of society got. Today they're extremely common, and they've made the transition from counter-culture to mainstream culture. So many people have gotten them in an effort to stand out that they've become part of popular culture.

Still some still hold tattoos as inherently evil or an act of rebellion. This just isn't true anymore.

If a girl you meet has a tattoo, I would advise you evaluate her based off the principles in these sermons. If she's a godly girl, give her a shot. Don't write off a girl simply because she has a tattoo. That's unbiblical, shallow, and indicates a mind-set which is out of touch with where our culture is actually at.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 1 - Why Date?

In a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce and purity is considered being disease free, something has gone terrible wrong with our views on marriage, love, purity, masculinity, and femininity. Our education system will help you get in college, and college will train you to get a job. But who is training the next generation on how to be a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, and a man or woman of God? This is the introduction to a series which teaches teenagers that the time to prepare for a successful marriage is before you say, "I do."

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 1 - Why Date?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 4 - She's the One Part I

Our culture is pretty clear on what it thinks women should: hot, sexy, and ambitious. But what does a godly woman look like? What should young women strive to be? Well examine those questions in this two part study of Titus 2.

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 4 - She's the One - Part 1

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Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 4

My talk ran so long last night that I ran out of tape on my camcorder and the Hard drive filled up on my back up camera.In fact the last minute of the video the audio changes because my primary audio recording device filled up.

So I was only able to record the first of the 5 or so questions which we answered. I'll be answering all of the questions in blog form this week.

This week's question:

For a girl to be sober-minded, does she needed to be able to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-breakup interactions?


Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 4

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What if you have a great guy you are dating and he still doesn’t feel like the one?

Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace answer the question, "What if you have a great guy you are dating and he still doesn’t feel like the one?"

Check out this video here (I'm not sure why it won't embed):

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/do-not-awaken-love/7pm-q-a


The clip starts at 4 minutes and 15 seconds.

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How do you know when the girl/boy you are dating is the one God has destined for you?

First off, I'll start off by saying that I do not believe that God has picked out one specific person you're supposed to find and marry. I don't see that idea in scripture, and I think it works in the practical sense.

If you think about it, if God has picked one person for you but he doesn't tell you explicitly who it is, then we're left to guess work to figure out the will of God. The idea that God has a specific desire for your life which isn't communicated to us, does not sit well with me, and I don't see it in scripture.

One of the dangers of putting too much emphasis on finding "the one" is that scripture doesn't put a big emphasis on finding "the one." Instead of seeing a bunch of passages about "oneness," I see a bunch of passages about masculinity, femininity, marriage, and pursing God. If that is the focus of scripture, that needs to be our focus.

Instead of looking for a magical person with a halo glowing over their head indicating their "oneness," look for someone who loves Jesus, shares your vision for life, who you get along with. That's it.


If you want to know what a godly man or woman looks like, read Titus 2.

Titus 2

1You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

6Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.


Second, don't focus on finding "the one," focus on being "the one." You can't control the people around you. You can't control who God will put in your life. But you can control your behavior. You can work on your character. You can devote yourself to pursing Christ.

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When Are You Ready to Propose?

You're ready to marry when you're ready to die protecting her.

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How long should you date before proposing?

There's no set amount of time you should date before proposing. Generally speaking, the younger you are, the longer I would encourage you to date before proposing (though there are certainly exceptions). The younger you are, the less stable your life is and typically you won't know as well the direction your life is headed.

Here are some principles to consider before proposing.


1) When You've Come to a Point Where You Know What Direction You Want to Take With Your Life

Marriage is hard no matter what, but it's much harder if you marry someone who's life is headed in a different direction than yours. If desire for your spouse to be a stay-at-home mom and she wants to be business executive, you're going to run into big problems when you have your first child.

Before proposing, both people need to have a good idea which direction they want to go with their life, AND you need to talk about it. Far too many people get married without talking about the future. This is a guaranteed way to run into severe marital problems.

When I started dating Jennifer, I knew very early on I was ready to get married. I called my sister to ask what questions I should ask Jennifer in preparation for marriage. I wanted to know if we had a future. So we had a many serious conversations about our goals, values, beliefs, and future early in our relationship. The first time Jennifer talked to my mother, my mother grilled Jennifer on whether she was ok with being a pastor's wife.

Jennifer and I still have our disagreements, but it's over things like cleaning. They're issues which can be resolved humbly serving one another.

2) When You're Financially Able to Support Your Family

1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Scripture has very harsh words for people who can't support their family. I understand there are exceptions where someone might need help, but assuming we aren't dealing with an exception, you need to be able to support your family. If you're going to need the support of family members to make it, you're not ready to get married. Likewise, if marriage will cause you to go severely in debt, it's not a good time to propose.

When Jennifer and I first got married, I was still in school and she was working full-time. While I might not have been the primary money provider, but we'd discussed
our financial situation before we got married. Also, the reason I wasn't providing wasn't that I was lazy.


3) When You're Mature Enough to Lead a Family

Ephesians 5
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Throughout scripture, men are called to lead. This isn't the most popular idea in our culture, but some of that is due to husbands not loving their wives like Christ loved the Church. Jesus was not a self-serving authoritarian leader. He loved His church enough to die to for it. If you're not at a point where you can be a servant leader of your family, you're not ready to propose.

4) When Those Over You in the Lord Tell You, "You're Ready"

As we said throughout this series, it's vital that you seek the wisdom of those over you in the Lord. You need wise council. If the people who love Jesus and know you the best don't think you're ready to be married, don't propose.

Before I proposed I scheduled a counseling session with Bo Thompson. I asked him this very question. I left myself open to the possibility of him saying I wasn't ready. You need to be open to the wisdom of those over you.

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What do you do when you follow all of these rules and the relationship still fails?

I see two different ways to interpret this question:

1) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

2) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still have a bad marriage?

First off, you need to realize that these are principles and experiential wisdom. Since dating isn't directly addressed in scripture, there aren't many rules about dating found in scripture. We find some rules about sexuality. We find descriptions of love, masculinity, and femininity. And we find a great of scripture on how to live wisely.

Second, nothing you can do will 100% guarantee a successful marriage (though you can get close), but there plenty of things you can do to guarantee an early divorce. Before you're married, you need to do everything in your power to be the best husband/wife you can be before you're married. For you to have a successful marriage, you need to be a great spouse. You can't force the person you marry to be a good spouse, but you can use wisdom in looking for the person you marry.

As for the question, I'll try and answer each interpretation of the question.

1) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

This series doesn't give you instructions on how to make any relationship work. In fact, through this series you may discover that you aren't ready to be dating or you need to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Likewise, some relationships shouldn't end in marriage.


2) What do you do when you follow all of these rules and you still have a bad marriage?

Unfortunately, even if you do all you're supposed to do, a marriage can still go bad. Whoever you marry is going to be a sinner. They have the potential for great sin. You may continue in the faith, but they might not. They might become lazy or passive in the faith.

Also, I would seriously reconsider whether you've actually followed all of the rules/principles. To say you've follow all of the rules is to imply you're the perfect man or woman. Hopefully you don't actually believe that. Certainly you have some area you can work on.


I don't say all of this to scare you. I firmly believe that if you chase hard after Christ and strive to be "the one," use great wisdom and discernment in finding a spouse, and work hard to love and serve your spouse, you're almost guaranteed to have a good marriage. In those cases, it's simply extreme cases where a spouse drastically changes after getting married.

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What happens when God puts multiple godly girls in your life (whom you're romantically interested)?

Don't date all of them at the same time! You aren't the Christian Bachelor. You aren't God's gift to women. Dating shouldn't be a competition. Don't pit them against each other.

You don't want to lead them on or become emotionally attached. Instead, focus on being friends with all of them. Over time it will become clear if one of them is the one you should date.

I met Jennifer literally days before I left for Bible college, and Bible college is filled with Godly women. I'd only just met Jennifer, there was no commitment, and we were 1,200 miles apart. There was every reason to look for a relationship at my college. However, after I met Jennifer, it just seemed obvious I didn't need to look elsewhere.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 3 - When Can I Date?

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 3 - When Can I Date?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Q & A - Session 3

This week's questions:

(1) If you struggle with an addiction but are fighting it, are you a hypocrite when you try and share your faith?

(2) What happens when God puts multiple godly girls in your life (whom you're romantically interested)?

(3) How long should you date before proposing?

(4) Is it wrong to do photoshopping (air brushing celebrities on magazine covers) as a career?

Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 3

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What do you say to church members who disapprove of your God-centered relationship? Part 2 (Jenn's take)

Well, I think Sean summarized it pretty well already, but here's my two cents:

One thing that I think is essential in resolving conflict of any kind is a "safe" environment. Nobody is at their best behavior when they feel threatened, insulted, belittled, or disrespected. Keep this in mind when you think about this issue.

In what context have these people expressed concerns about your relationship? How did you respond?
If they're accusatory, chances are, you're going to go on the defensive and not listen to what they're saying -- that's what I did when I found myself in this situation many years ago. Here are just a few ideas to try to help you from doing what I did:
- Try to make your goal not to WIN the argument, but to understand the other person's point of view.
- If tempers are flaring, or emotions are running high, take a break -- express your interest in hearing the person's concerns out, but not in a shouting match
- Regardless of who is confronting you, remember that you are accountable for your actions/reactions, regardless of the delivery of the disapproval.

Also, if you have a mentor or accountability partner that you trust, arrange to meet with them and discuss the situation. Tell them why others seem to disapprove of your relationship, discuss your standpoint, and be prepared to LISTEN to what they have to say in response to this.

Above all else, your most powerful ally in this situation is prayer. Pray for your attitude, for wisdom and discernment to find the truth, for God to reveal to you the direction you should go, or reveal to those with issues with your relationship that all is well -- pray, pray, pray, and PRAY!

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What do you say to church members who disapprove of your God-centered relationship? Part 1 (Sean's take)

This is a difficult question to answer for several reasons. I'll just tell you my problems with the question and hopefully that will point you towards the answer to your question.

1) I Don't Know Who these Church Members Are

There are a number of different church members who might be raising concerns.

Is it your girlfriend's parents? If so, then you need to respect them as an authority over them. If you can't submit to their authority, you aren't ready to be dating.

Is it a more mature believer who loves you and wants the best for both of you? In that case, you would be foolish to ignore their concerns. There are reasons why they could be wrong, but you'd be a fool (in the biblical sense) to ignore their guidance.

Proverbs 13:20 "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."

Is it someone who has different convictions regarding dating and courtship? We're not all going to agree about everything. The Bible gives us some clear commands and some principles, but it doesn't give us an instruction book for relationships. The Bible does tell us how to deal with differences in non-essentials. Read Romans 14-15. Here's a preview

Romans 14
1 Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.

Is it your sexual active drug addicted friend with no moral compass? You really don't want to take dating advise from people who are more screwed up than you.

2) I Don't Know Why They Disapprove

Without knowing their specific objection, I can't really tell you how to respond. I would recommend you listen to their concerns. Correct any misconceptions. Accept any corrections. Reason with them. But at the end of the day, you may simply disagree over a non-essential.

3) You Don't Have the Best Perspective to Determine Your Relationship is God-Centered?

We're all sinners with deceptive hearts (Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3). Without accountability, we'll quickly be led deep into sin by our own hearts. We'll over-look areas of sin and rationalize foolish decisions.

The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you have a whole bunch of reasons to rationalize and justify a poor relationship. Most church members don't have motivations to randomly want to break your relationship up. So they will likely have a better perspective on your relationship than you do (assuming they love Jesus). Of course, if it's a bitter or jealous peer, you can probably ignore their feedback.


The bottom line is that if it's a godly person who loves you, you need to listen to their concerns because they can see faults you miss. If it's a fool with faulty motives, it's probably best to ignore their words.

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Should a long distance relationship discourage you?

No but it should cause you to seriously consider the relationship.

I've been in two long distance relationships. One ended with me heart broken and swearing off long distance relationships. The other ended with me engaged and then married. So I can speak from experience on the best and worst of long distance relationships.

Things to Consider:

1) Communication is Hard

All of our communication will be through phone, email, text message, Facebook, and MySpace. Having extended planned phone calls is hard. My first serious relationship ended because I kept calling her when she was off to hangout with her new friends. I was desperate to talk to her, but I was her annoying boyfriend who was keeping her from making new friends.

You have to be real creative if you want variety in the relationship. Jennifer and I ended up having lots of phone movie dates. We'd each put the same movie in our DVD player, and we'd push play at the same time. Then we'd talk to each other over the phone throughout the movie.

2) Your Boy/Girlfriend Will Be Surrounded By Other Boys/Girls

It's hard to be far away from someone you care about. It's even harder when you realize they have friends who are your sex. They get to spend time with him in person. They get to experience what's going on his life, and you only get to hear about what's going on in his life.

This was one of the hardest things for Jennifer and I. We were both attending new schools, making new friends, and having new experiences. We couldn't share these experiences together. And each of us knew of the other boys/girls the other person was hanging out with.

This also makes it very easy for the other person to cheat on you. I could list off story after story people who've been cheated on while in a long distance relationship. And more often, in the circumstances it's less premediated because the person pursuing them didn't even know they were dating someone.

Closing Thoughts

• Don't do it if you don't think the relationship has a future. Of course, if you don't think a relationship has a future, then you probably shouldn't be dating the person.
• One advantage of a long distance relationship is that it makes it more difficult to fail physially.
  

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How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 1 of 3

When addressing this subject, we need to make sure we have a correct understanding of the battle and the end goal. So I wanted to make sure a couple of points were clear before directly answering the question.

Put Your Lust to Death, Don't Just Manage It

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

Colossians 3:5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

The name of this post is the exact content of a text message I received from a student. The first thing you need to do is not view it as simply "managing" a problem. You need to view it as a going to war with sin. You're going head to head against something which is so wicked that the only way for that act to be forgiven was for God to live as a man and die on a cross.

We don't need to manage our sin; we need to destroy it. If you don't kill it, it will kill you.

Then the question becomes, "How do I put my lustful desires to death?"

Sex Drive Comes From God, Lust Comes From Sin

We need to make sure that we're clear that the goal isn't to kill your sexual desires. You have sexual desires because God made you that way. You have lustful desires because you're a sinner giving into worldly desires.

Romans 12:2 (New International Version)

² Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

The goal is for you to pursue righteousness and purity. That means you think about sex and sexuality biblically and with marriage in mind. The opposite of struggling with lust isn't turn into a celebate monk. The opposite is viewing and acting on your sexual desires the way God intended.

At the Bible college I attend, I met multiple people with completely perverse views of sexuality. These weren't people who were addicted to porn or had weird fetishes. These were people with no sexual desire at all. My wife knew a girl who said she had no interest in sex at all, and claimed she wanted to get married to have a live in best friend who she could cuddle with. After a few years they might have sex. That's a completely perverse and unbiblical view of sex which will destroy her marriage if she actually attempts it once married.

Don't kill your sex drive. Have your mind renewed by God so that you view sexuality the way He does.

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How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 2 of 3

1) Acknowledge It is Sin and Repent

The first part is much easier than the second. If you have any faith in Christ then the Holy Spirit is in you, and you should be able to acknowledge that your behavior is sinful. However, choosing to repent and turn from your sin requires far more from you.

Repentance means you are choosing to move in the opposite direction. It's not simply scaling back your lustful desires. It is pursing righteousness. If you're not pursing something else, you'll quickly drift back to where you were at.

2) Confess Your Sin to a More Mature Believer Who Will Hold You Accountable

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

The reason that so many people have such severe struggles with pornography and masturbation is because they're ashamed of their sin and keep it hidden. They're taboo subjects among Christians, and demonized to the point that people are terrified to confess their sin. Therefore, they keep it to themselves, and ignore the thing which scripture says will bring healing.

You want to confess your sin to someone who is more mature than you, and who isn't struggling with lust. Two drowning people can't really help each other. You need someone who can pull you up.

• Give them permission to confront you and ask about your thought life
• Setup an account so they receive an email which tells them every webpage you visit
• Give them permission to call you at random to check up on you
  

3) Put Things in Place to Restrict Your Access to Porn

^{Matthew 5
28}But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

When you commit a sin enough that you become addicted to it, you're fighting more than simply your sin nature (which you can't beat on your own anyway). By definition, an addiction means you have a compulsive need for something. It's always sinful, it's often psychological, and it can even be biological.

Therefore, sometimes you simply need to cut off your access to the things which cause you to sin.

Lust has always been a universal problem for men, and sexual sin has always plagued mankind. However, the internet has given everyone instant and private access to pornography. It's easier than ever to commit sexual sin without getting caught. Therefore, it's essential that you restrict or eliminate your access to the internet.

There are a number of programs out there which can block certain websites or which will hold you accountable. I tend to encourage accountability programs over blocking programs because they're relational rather than mechanical. You want a person helping you out, not a computer. There are links to several good programs on the resource page.

While cutting yourself off from porn can help, they don't cut you off from the source of your problem, your sinful heart. That leads us to the next point.

4) Fill Your Life with Scripture and Prayer

2 Timothy 3:16-17 (New International Version)

¹⁶All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, ¹⁷so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

We equip ourselves for good works by studying God's word. The reverse is true as well. If you don't study the Word, then you're not equipped for every good work, and we live in a world which loves to equip you for sin.

We live in a world which is filled with sexual imagery. Every news stand at the grocery store has multiple magazines covers of photoshopped women in bikinis leading men to lust and women to have unrealistic expectations. Every television program either explicitly or implicitly promotes an unbiblical view of sex. Every cologne ad makes it look like purpose of cologne is to have sex with women.

You can't go anywhere without being smacked in the face with sexual images...and we haven't even started talking about immodest clothing.

All that to say, if you're counting on one or two sermons to give you your spiritual fill for the week, it's not going to happen. On a very practical level, if you're bombarded by sexual images on a daily basis, but you only touch your Bible on Sunday...naturally you're going to think far more about sex than you do about Jesus. If you don't fill your life up with Christ, then the world will fill you up with sex.

5) Realize Your Sanctification is a Process and a Work of the Holy Spirit

Romans 8

⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

The paints a very pitiful picture of what we are without Christ and without the Spirit. Ephesians 2 says we're dead in sin and children of wraith. Jeremiah 17 says our hearts are deceptive, and Romans 3 says that we do no good.

We don't just need Christ to live in Heaven.
We need Christ to truly live here on the earth.

Sometimes we get the idea that Christ gives us our ticket to Heaven, but then we need to figure out how to follow Him while on the earth. That just isn't the picture you see in scripture.


6) Realize It is a Life Long Battle

^{Romans 7
15}I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

Every Christian who struggles with lust, porn or masturbation can resonate with the apostle Paul's words here. Paul wrote half of the New Testament, spread the gospel with great vigor than possibly anyone in history, but he called himself the worst of all sinners (1 Tim. 1:15-16). If Paul couldn't defeat sin, who am I to assume I'm more righteous than he?

I'm not aware of anywhere that God promises to completely remove our struggles with sin in this life. Never let your guard down. You will never be mature enough that you can stop worrying about sin.

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How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part 3 of 3

Books

Every Young Man's Battle - The title says it all. If you're a guy, read it.
Every Young Woman's Battle - The girl version.

Websites

xxxchurch.com - Videos and articles on how to battle lust, masturbation, and porn addiction
Porn Again Christian - An ebook by Mark Driscoll on battling porn and masturbation. Written for guys only

Accountability Software

xxxchurch.com - Free software
Covenant Eyes - Costs Monthly

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What if there is someone that believes in God, but they don't go to church?

I'll start off by acknowledging that there are valid reasons someone might not "go" to church.

• Unusual circumstances (physical limitations, parent forbids attendance)
  
• Attend a house church
• No good local churches
• Meet with believers in some alternative setting

With that stated, since you didn't indicate this person has some extenuating circumstances and we live in a city with 50 churches within a 5 mile radius, the fact they don't go to church is a bad sign.

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Is Picturing Your Girlfriend in a Sexual Way Wrong?

Matthew 5
²⁷"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' ²⁸But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Having sexual thoughts about your girlfriend by definition is lust, and scripture and teachings of Jesus clearly forbid lust. Someone is either your spouse or they aren't. So while you may have a commitment to your girlfriend, she is no more your wife than every other girl you're not married to. Therefore, it is sinful to have sexual/lustful thoughts about her.

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Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 1

This weeks questions:

(1) "How do you manage your struggles with lust?"

(2) "What do you do when you follow all of these rules and the relationship still fails?"

(3)"Is picturing your girlfriend in a sexual way wrong?"

Before You Say "I Do" - Q & A - Session 1

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