Aren't we called to treat women like sisters? I don't desire a sister; can you explain that?

1 Timothy 5
1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

If you're a good sibling, you're protective towards yours sisters. You care for them. You want them best for them. You don't take sexual advantage of them. You don't make sexual advances towards them.

Things You Do With Your Sister

• Hang out


• Talk


• Go eat


• Play games

Things You Don't Do With Your Sister

• Make out


• Talk Dirty


• Pass first, second, or third base...or go anywhere ear the field

Brothers and fathers are notorious for threatening to beat up anyone that threatens the purity of their sister or daughter. That's the attitude you should have towards young ladies.

Too may guys view young ladies as objects for their pleasure, things to be used. If that's you, repent now. Girls, if you know a guy like that, stay away from him. Guys, if you know someone like that, go confront him right now.

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What's an appropriate way (after you have figured out that you and your girlfriend/boyfriend aren't "meant to be") to let them go?

Do it...

1) Quickly

Don't drag things out. Don't string them along. If you realize things aren't going to work, go and tell them immediately. You don't want them getting more emotionally attached while you're heading elsewhere.

2) Gracefully

• Don't be a jerk


• Realize you're probably going to hurt the person


• Show sympathy for their feelings


• Do it in person if you're not 100s of miles apart


• Do it somewhere it won't be awkward...you really don't want to be responsible for them embarrassing themselves by crying in the middle of the hallway at school. NOT COOL!

3) Reasonably

• Tell them in plain language what is going on
• 
  
• Don't leave them guessing, that would be rude


• Realize they're looking for closer. Sometimes that isn't possible, but if you blatantly leave them without answers, they'll keep following you around until you give them.

4) Clearly

• Don't be subtle...if they deserve better (assuming they aren't a jerk) and if they really like you they won't get it


• Don't simply leave clues or stop calling


• Don't use vague language leaves them thinking there is hope where there is none

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Is it ever appropriate to fight someone for your girlfriend if they are being disrespected?

Jennifer put it well when she said this:

Your reaction should match the action.

Some guys turning everything into a verbal confrontation. That's bad. You need to respond with appropriate force.

I recall going to a concert about 8 years ago. I was in the middle of the mosh pit towards the center of the stage. It was jam packed with the most rabid and excited fans. Everyone was there to enjoy the show...except this one guy who though his job was to keep everyone away from his girlfriend. He was made worse by the fact that he was holding to cups of beer over her head. If he didn't want anyone near his girlfriend, he shouldn't have been in the middle of a mosh pit. He was just looking for a fight.

Don't do stuff like that. That isn't defending her honor. That's just being a jerk.

Think about it this way.

• A harmless joke gets a harmless response


• A slight offense needs a non-confrontational verbal warning


• An offensive comment needs a verbal confrontation


• A physical assault requires you physically remove the person and then call the police

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 11 - Q&A

1) What does it mean to treat women like sisters?

2) What is an appropriate way to break up with a girl once you realize she isn't the girl God has for you?

3) How can you avoid lust while not becoming someone who notices nothing?

4) Is it ever ok to fight someone if they disrespect your girlfriend?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 11 - How to Get a Girlfriend...

...or Love Versus Infatuation.

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What is in a man that God wants to pull out of him before marriage?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 10 - What is Love?

Before You Say, "I Do" Session 10 - What is Love?

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Men need to embrace authority and responsibility

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Girls, You Want a Husband Who Loves Jesus

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If You Wait, God Will Bring You a Man....maybe not

Another funny clip from Matt Chandler. He takes on some common ideas regarding singleness.

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Why men and women are just like computers

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What if you have already messed up? Am I still worthy of a spouse? Because I know I am filthy and not deserving?

Absolutely. I often feel silly or old fashioned when I use phrases like “lies of the devil,” but I believe that this thought is a lie to keep you from giving God the credit He deserves. Think of, if you will, of Bobby Boucher’s mother saying “foos-ball is da debbil!” Only, instead of football, insert this idea where you believe you’re unworthy of forgiveness or redemption because of what you have done.


Nobody is perfect. It’s human nature to sin. I’m not condoning sin in any capacity, but we are sinful, and that’s the bottom line. Christ knew this about us, and died for us anyway. Like Sean talked about Monday night, Christ’s righteousness is imbued upon those who repent from their sin and pursue a relationship with Him. It’s as simple as that. He died so that we may have the option to be forgiven and be reunited with Him – if we choose to accept that forgiveness, we are forgiven. Voila!


Of course, if we were perfect from the moment of repentance, things would be so much easier. But we all know that being a Christian doesn’t mean that you’re perfect…or that you don’t struggle. Living a Christian life is a daily decision; a constant effort on your part to glorify God in the things that you think and do…the way that you live. Dating is no exception.


I remember when I was a senior in high school. At that point, out of all my close church friends, I was the only girl who had kissed a boy before. It made me feel bad…like I was damaged somehow. Just remembering this makes me laugh, at how distraught I was, and how I was convinced that I didn’t deserve a “good” guy because I wasn’t “good.” Lies, lies, lies, LIES. So completely not true. If you are a Christian, and you are saying that you aren’t good enough, then you’re cheapening the gospel, and treating the sacrifice Christ made for you as insufficient. If you have truly repented, then God looks at you like He does Christ – remember that.


That’s not to say that you’re redeemed and therefore you should sin as much as you want, and just remember to say “I’m sorry” afterward. Just as Christ was raised from the dead, when we choose to follow Him, we are meant to live a new life (Romans 6:1-4). If you are truly repentant of your past sins, and you’re living in such a way to avoid repeating those mistakes, you’re heading the right direction. The part of the question that says “because I am filthy and not deserving” gives me hope for you and your future – because being humble keeps us where we’re meant to be. If you weren’t concerned with your spiritual depravity, or you thought you had it all together, you’d be in far more trouble than it sounds like you are – being grieved by past sin. Remorse is an appropriate reaction to sin.

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Jennifer's Advice in Regards to Marriage and Accountability

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Is it okay to date a non-Christian with a bad reputation who is willing to go to church with you?

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What shaping does God need to do in a woman before she's ready for marriage?

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What if you have already messed up? Am I still worthy of a wife? Because I know I am filthy and not deserving.

By yourself, you are completely and totally unworthy. You're an unworthy sinner. But through Christ your sins have been forgiven. Christianity isn't a religion about rules, guilt, and shame. It's about a God who came down to earth to redeem and forgive mankind. Though we were undeserving of His grace, He sent His son Jesus to the earth to die for your sin. Your sin was put on Him. He paid the price on the cross, and conquered death through the resurrection. We have access to this forgiveness by turning from our sin and putting our faith in Christ.

If you've put your faith in Christ, you don't need to carry the weight and guilt of your sin. Christ has already carried that burden. If you continue to carry that burden, you're saying that Christ died for nothing. When God sees you, He doesn't see a sinner, He sees a saint. You need to see yourself the same way God sees you.

Of course, this isn't license to sin. If you think the forgiveness of Christ means you can do whatever you want, you clearly haven't turned from your sin or repented. In that case, you seriously need to consider whether you've truly put your faith in Christ.

With that said, consider what the Bible has to say about people who have put their faith in Christ.

You Have Been Declared Righteous and Innocent

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

The Greek word which is translated "justified" is dikaioō. It is a legal term which literal means you have been declared righteous. It is the modern day equivalent of being put on trial, and being found completely innocent. I actually wrote an 8 page paper on the word dikaioō. You can read it here.

There is No Condemnation for You

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

You are a Saint

Romans 1:7 to all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints:

1 Corinthians 2 To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling...

Colossians 1:2 To the saints and faithful brethren in Christ who are at Colossae

Your Sin Will Never be Held Against You

Romans 4: 7"Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 8 Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

You are Clothed in Righteousness

Isaiah 61:10
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Psalm 132:9
May your priests be clothed with righteousness; may your saints sing for joy."

Your Sin has been Completely Removed

Psalm 103:12
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

1 Corinthians 6:11 (notice the verbs are past tense)
And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Romans 10:4
Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes.

Philippians 3:9
and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 9 - How Far is Too Far?

Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 9 - How Far is Too Far?

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Articles on Teenage Sex and Sexting

Someone asked for my sources on some of the statistics I've quoted. Here are some of the articles I've been reading.

When the Cell Phone Teaches Sex Education

Flirting goes high-tech with racy photos shared on cellphones, Web

Middle school youth as young as 12 engaging in risky sexual activity

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God Doesn't Want Passive Men

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For a girl to be sober-minded, does she need to be able to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-breakup interactions? (Jenn’s take)

Wow, good question. The short answer is yes.

That is to say that, to exhibit a character of sobriety or self control should be a commonplace thing in your life. As a general rule, you should be well-balanced, even keel, and not erratic in your behavior.

Granted, things happen in life that catch us off guard, that cause us to feel unbalanced and out of sorts. Let me clarify this by saying that, when you are grieving, you’re not less of a woman for crying, sobbing, wailing, feeling sad, etc. That in and of itself does not mean you’re emotionally out of control.

As far as relationships go, it’s natural to be sad when one ends – it’s hard. You’re entitled to grieve that loss. You’re not entitled to go crazy, pull a “Before He Cheats” number on your ex’s truck, or anything of that sort. Vent your frustration and pain to your close friends (and I mean a few close friends, not your entire campus or youth group – don’t use this as an excuse to trash talk or spread slanderous things about your ex), and move on.

When I went through my last break up, it was really hard. The guy and I had been dating a long time and, even though I ended it and knew it was the way it should be, I still grieved the loss of that relationship, and that was okay. I do remember making a conscious decision not to wallow in my sorrow. I had some bad days but, for the most part, really tried to have quality time with my close girlfriends, evaluate the things I saw in myself (character and qualities) that I wanted to change or strengthen and try to improve them, as well as got back to the hobbies and activities that had fallen by the way-side throughout the course of my relationship. I invested in my non-dating relationships, and invested in myself both spiritually and generically. This is not to say that I did things perfectly, but in a post-relationship situation, that’s what I did to try to be proactive in keeping my emotions in check.

So, to answer the question, yes – to be sober-minded, a girl needs to stay together emotionally both personally and in post-break-up interactions.

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You say not to stare at girls. Do you honestly say you don't struggle? How do you keep from looking?

I'd be highly suspicious of any guy who claims he doesn't struggle with lust. In fact, I'd say any guy claiming not to struggle with lust falls into one of four categories.

1) He's Lying
2) He's Confused or Defining "Struggle" Differently
3) There's Something Wrong With Him
4) He's Jesus

Struggling doesn't mean he's sinning. It does mean he's tempted to stare at and lust after girls who aren't his wife.

Jesus answered your question in the Sermon on the Mount and Paul restates the same principle in 1st Corinthians.

Matthew 5
27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

The simple principle: Flee from whatever causes you to sin

Don't Face Girls You're Attracted To

I'm talking about literally not facing girls who you're attracted to. In the cafeteria at lunch, sit in a chair facing the wall. In class, position yourself so you're facing anything but a girl you're lusting after. If you see someone you're attracted to at the store, go the other way.

This past Sunday I went to lunch with a couple of other married couples. As we approached our table, I immediately noticed three girls sitting at a table who looked like they were on their way to interview for a job at Hooters. I could pick which side of the table I was to sit on. I chose a side where I wasn't facing their table.

Don't Go Places Where You Will See Immodest Girls

• At the public pool there will be attractive girls in string bikinis


• At the mall there will be a Victoria's Secret, a Fredric's of Hollywood, and lots of girls dressing provocatively


• The magazine rack will have magazines with girls showing off all God gave them


• If a movie trailer shows scenes with a girl dressed provocatively (or undressed), don't be surprised if those scenes appear in the film

Unfortunately, this one is impossible to live out because our culture uses sex to self everything. There are very few public places you can go without running into immodestly dressed girls.

Don't Have a Computer in Your Room

If you struggle with internet pornography, having a computer in your room with internet access with no filter is like being an alcoholic working as a bartender. Or being a crack addicted living in crack house. That addiction isn't going anywhere.


Some of these suggestions may seem extreme, but the consequences of sin are even more extreme. Sometimes pursing Christ requires taking radical steps. If you're unwilling to make sacrifices, that should tell you something about your devotion to Christ.

Here are three more blogs on fighting lust.

1) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part I - Put Your Lust to Death
2) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part II - Six Steps to Killing Lust
3) How Do You Manage Your Struggles With Lust? Part III - Resources

Here's a free online book: Porn Again Christian by Mark Driscoll (he's in all those videos I frequently show)

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Say you have a chick dat be all up on your jock but goes to church; how do you know God didn't put her in your life?

The best way to discover God's will for our lives is to read our Bibles. God may have a will for you in addition to scripture but not in contradiction of scripture. If all of scripture indicates you shouldn't date a girl who is all up in your jock, then God doesn't want you to date her.

I don't really need to expand on this, but here are some relevant Proverbs.

Proverbs 6
26 for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

Proverbs 7
10 Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.

Proverbs 29:3
A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth.

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Before You Say, "I Do"- Session 8 - Q & A

Raw and real answers to questions received via text message.

1) You say not to stair at girls. Do you honestly say you don't struggle? How do you keep from looking?
2) Is the tradition of guys paying for the date a biblical tradition? What if the girl wants to pay?
3) What should a guy's sense of humor be? "That's what she said" or very stoic?
4) Is there a too serious mode?

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Before You Say, "I Do" - Session 8 - Act Like a Man Part II

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What if the girl you like used to be a "slut," but she claims she's changed and is an avid Christian? Do you look at the past? (Jenn’s take)

When I first heard this question, a warning sounded in my head. Guys, if this is the girl you’re looking at dating, I strongly encourage you to consider WHY you want to date her.

Did you meet her, think of her as a strong Christian, or a girl with good character, and then find out about her past? If so, then you’re probably at least on the right track. Like Sean said though, be patient and conscious of the timing. If this is a recent life-change for this girl, even if she is building a good reputation, give it time to solidify. Give her time to grow in her relationship with God before initiating something romantic.

Now, the reason my red flag went up – if you have known this girl for awhile, and were aware of her previous reputation prior to knowing that she became a Christian, REALLY THINK LONG AND HARD about your motives for dating her. I think that says enough there. Just think about it.

Regardless of which side you find yourself on, if you’ve got concerns about her past, or they’re something you think might intimidate you in the future, maybe just befriend her for the time being, without any intention of dating. That will enable you to get to know her, recognize her character, and hopefully see that, rather than her past. If, for any reason, you feel like you’ll make jokes about her history, or ask questions that need not be asked, then reconsider pursuing a relationship with this girl – for both your sakes.

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How to Be Romantic

This is really meant for married couples, but the guy talking is Matt Chandler...and I'll use any excuse possible to include preaching from a Chandler.

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What do you do when you follow all these rules and the relationship still fails? (Jenn's take)

I think I would say that the greatest benefit to following the rules isn't specifically finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, but knowing that you treated everyone you had a relationship with in a God honoring manner. You know what I'm saying?

The question is coming at this from the wrong angle; the point of these discussions and nuggets of wisdom is not to give you a step-by-step “how to find a spouse.” It’s more how to avoid common mistakes and misconceptions about relationships, dating, and marriage. If you’re looking to this information as a formula to discover your soul mate, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Chances are, if you follow what we’ve said, pursue God’s wisdom and the wisdom of those He has placed around you when considering relationships – you’ll handle yourself well, and hopefully come out of the relationship (regardless of how it ends) with little to no regrets.

It’s so you know what a man is, what a woman is, and what character traits and qualities you should both aspire toward in yourself, and seek in a future spouse.

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What is wrong with braided hair?

Both Peter and Paul used words against braided hair. Why?

1 Timothy 2:9
I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,

1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

The point isn't that braided hair is sinful. The point is that true beauty is in the inner self. Both passages are speaking against being obsessed with outer appearance.

Our culture doesn't just promote outer beauty, it promotes impossible beauty. Every time you go to the store we see stacks of magazines with pictures of models on the cover. But the story doesn't end there. Having models isn't enough for these magazines. After taking their pictures, they spend thousands of dollars to retouch the photos.

Consider this quote from super-model Cindy Crawford.

"I think women see me on the cover of magazines and think that I never have a pimple or bags under my eyes. You have to realize that's after two hours of hair and makeup, plus retouching. Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
- Cindy Crawford

Actress Kate Winslet possed for a photoshoot and was furious when the magazine photoshopped her pictures (finally an actress not obsessed with external beauty). This is what the magazine editor said the image was, "highly styled, buffed, trimmed and altered... to make the subject look as good as humanly possible."

As good as is humanly possible? That's the standards our girls are competing with? These ridiculous standards cause girls to strive for an impossible standard. The pressure to be skinny pushes girls into eating disorders. Clearly we're focusing on all the wrong things.

The writings of Peter and Paul aren't against braiding hair, they're against obsession with looks. They're writing a message which is completely contrary to everything our culture says. They challenge us to look to inner character rather than outer beauty.

What is wrong with braided hair? Nothing. The problem is with valuing looks over character.

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