How long should you date before proposing?

There's no set amount of time you should date before proposing. Generally speaking, the younger you are, the longer I would encourage you to date before proposing (though there are certainly exceptions). The younger you are, the less stable your life is and typically you won't know as well the direction your life is headed.

Here are some principles to consider before proposing.


1) When You've Come to a Point Where You Know What Direction You Want to Take With Your Life

Marriage is hard no matter what, but it's much harder if you marry someone who's life is headed in a different direction than yours. If desire for your spouse to be a stay-at-home mom and she wants to be business executive, you're going to run into big problems when you have your first child.

Before proposing, both people need to have a good idea which direction they want to go with their life, AND you need to talk about it. Far too many people get married without talking about the future. This is a guaranteed way to run into severe marital problems.

When I started dating Jennifer, I knew very early on I was ready to get married. I called my sister to ask what questions I should ask Jennifer in preparation for marriage. I wanted to know if we had a future. So we had a many serious conversations about our goals, values, beliefs, and future early in our relationship. The first time Jennifer talked to my mother, my mother grilled Jennifer on whether she was ok with being a pastor's wife.

Jennifer and I still have our disagreements, but it's over things like cleaning. They're issues which can be resolved humbly serving one another.

2) When You're Financially Able to Support Your Family

1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Scripture has very harsh words for people who can't support their family. I understand there are exceptions where someone might need help, but assuming we aren't dealing with an exception, you need to be able to support your family. If you're going to need the support of family members to make it, you're not ready to get married. Likewise, if marriage will cause you to go severely in debt, it's not a good time to propose.

When Jennifer and I first got married, I was still in school and she was working full-time. While I might not have been the primary money provider, but we'd discussed
our financial situation before we got married. Also, the reason I wasn't providing wasn't that I was lazy.


3) When You're Mature Enough to Lead a Family

Ephesians 5
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Throughout scripture, men are called to lead. This isn't the most popular idea in our culture, but some of that is due to husbands not loving their wives like Christ loved the Church. Jesus was not a self-serving authoritarian leader. He loved His church enough to die to for it. If you're not at a point where you can be a servant leader of your family, you're not ready to propose.

4) When Those Over You in the Lord Tell You, "You're Ready"

As we said throughout this series, it's vital that you seek the wisdom of those over you in the Lord. You need wise council. If the people who love Jesus and know you the best don't think you're ready to be married, don't propose.

Before I proposed I scheduled a counseling session with Bo Thompson. I asked him this very question. I left myself open to the possibility of him saying I wasn't ready. You need to be open to the wisdom of those over you.

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